All in

This week I had an interesting learning experience during my karate class.  I am learning a ground defense where I do a somersault kind of over my shoulder then stand back up.  It's kind of like falling with so much momentum that you go over top over tail and stand up again.  A bit scary for me.  When I just go ALL IN, I can do it over and over.  However, if I hesitate, I slow down just enough that instead of tumbling over I land hard with my elbow under my ribs.  My body is still not happy with me today.  A sharp elbow in the ribs leaves a lasting impression.  There are some things that to get through you need to go ALL IN.  I remind myself if there is no fear then there can be no courage.  I feel fear but my courage is bigger than my fear.  I didn't start out this way.  I let fear win for a long time.  My childhood was ruled by fear and manipulation.  Anger is the easiest emotion for someone else to manipulate.  I believe this is the reason I was cautioned by my counselor to recognize that anger is a secondary emotion, hurt, fear or frustration came first.  Sometimes all three come and anger covers these other emotions.  The ALL IN method was how I approached counseling.  If I was going to change my life I was going to do it ALL IN.  I did.  I totally changed the way I function.  For most of my life, I was 5 different people in one body trying to tag team my way through life.  I am now one person that can see 5 different ways to tackle a problem.  I left none of myself behind.  I went ALL IN.  In my experience, this takes Faith that some how I will get ahead.  More than once I reminded myself that falling flat on my face was still moving forward.