Monday, November 9, 2015

Coming out of the shadows

Learning to live.  I spent my childhood squashing myself into the mold my parents wished for me.  I tried desperately to fit in, be 'normal', stop standing out, find my place in the universe that seemed hostile and confusing.  I gave up.  My health deteriorated. I slip deeper and deeper into nothingness.  I didn't belong.  I didn't fit in.  I wasn't like everyone else.  I felt left out.  I felt nothing.  I was becoming nothing.  I felt like I was a burden.  I felt my family would be better off without me.  I was harming them.  I didn't want to.  I started self destructing a bit at a time.  I didn't want to hurt anyone else so I isolated, disappeared.  I was alive, yet rapidly dying.  Then came counseling.  A life line that felt more like barred wire.  Or imagine a rope thrown down with glass embedded.  To grasp it was painful, letting go was slipping further and further into nothingness.

Whoever told me that counseling was for weaklings, never went through counseling.  Counseling, you face your worse fears, your nightmares find their voice, the false images you hold dear to your heart are ripped away and held up to harsh light that reveals the sham, the lies, the distortions.  Counseling stripped away all the lies, what did I have left?  Mere ashes?  Distorted memories?  Fears that never end?  Or is that a lie too?  Cleanse the wounds.  Learn about and set boundaries.  Confess my fears.  Accept my past.  Refuse to let my past define who I am now.  Explore who I am. 

This article gave me a new way to look at my life.  Sit outside where I do belong, that doesn't stop me from listening to the music.  Create my own place.  Be myself.  Those that want me to fit into some other mold will go away.  They lose interest in that which they cannot control.  I don't need to walk away because they will do the walking.  I am not who they thought I should be.  They are missing out.  It is just the opposite of what I thought.  I will not hide. 

The link has a beautiful poem that I enjoyed reading.  I hope you enjoy it too.

 Be my own kind of wonderful. 


Jonsi said...

[[Ruth]] - This is heartbreaking and it caught my eye as I was looking at my list blog updates: "I tried desperately to...stop standing out."

As a parent, I think one of our jobs is to allow our children to be who they are and to encourage them to be themselves - to stand out, as originals. One of my littles is struggling with this right now - he too often mimics and copies his older siblings. I've been telling him to be who he is and to try to stop doing what other people are doing. He is special and I want him to feel special, just being whoever he was meant to be. We're working on it, and I have high hopes that eventually, he'll know how special he is and he won't feel the need to do what his siblings are doing because he wants attention. (On my end, I'm trying harder to give him more one-on-one attention because I feel that he mostly mimics his siblings for that reason - ie because he wants/needs more attention from his parents that he sees his siblings get).

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I understand your experiences on some level and I feel for little girl Ruth who was so lonely and sad and misunderstood.



Ruth said...

Thank you Jonsi.