Chain Breakers

I used the term "Chain Breakers" in a couple of my posts.  I started thinking that not everyone means the same thing I do.  I Googled the word and found webpages on everything from very cool looking tools to break metal chains to political propaganda to a paranormal book.  Only a few of the web pages referred to what I mean: Abuse chain breakers.  One of the difficult things about abuse is that it seems to be passed down generation to generation.  A family disease that wrecks havoc.  Generates quotes like "hurt people, hurt people." Implying an assumption that once a person is abused they will become an abuser too.  I visualized the rusty, clanking chains of Marley's ghost in a Christmas Carol being passed down to the next generation like some grizzly, prized inheritance.  The horror and secrets of one generation dumped onto the unsuspecting childish shoulders of the next generation.  Excuses permeate the ceremonial bestowing of this rancid gift:  "They are doing the best they know how," "you will understand when you have your own children," "I can't help it, you made me mad," of course my most disliked, "it is their way of showing love."  ***Break to go throw up.*** Sorry some of this crap just makes me gag.  Then somewhere along this mangled mess someone says - "Enough.  This is not going past me. The crap stops here.  No more abuse in my family."  Some attempt to reason with, teach or persuade the parental units that now is the time to break this crusted chain.  Unfortunately, many discover the futility of convincing those so entrenched in the secrets and lies.  The next step is the chain breaker decides to heal themselves.  Most importantly in healing themselves they keep the sewer sludge from touching their children.  Sometimes some of the filth slips by at a family gathering or visits from those bent on perpetuating the lies to validate their own sick reality.  Some move far away to lessen the impact by distance.  Some find it necessary to go to the farthest extreme and go no contact.  Each chain breaker has to decide for themselves how far they are willing or needing to go to break this suffocating chain of abuse. 

I was fortunate to see actual progress.  When I first started counseling, I had no memories from my own childhood so KavinCoach couldn't ask me what happened.  I didn't remember.  I hadn't remembered since high school.  To help him figure out my past he had me read books about other people that suffered from abuse.  The first book I read was Dave Pelzer's book, A Child Called It (information on the resource page.)  I finished the book in a week to take it back to KavinCoach.  He asked me what I thought about it.  I wouldn't answer at first.  He reassured me that he only wanted to know my reaction and no answer was wrong.  I shrugged my shoulder and without emotion said, "Bad stuff happens to kids, what do you want me to learn from it?"  KavinCoach had me read three more books, each one a more brutal example of abuse than the one before.  Each time I came back with the same answer.  The forth time I looked at him and said, "That is the wrong answer, isn't it?"  He denied it was wrong but the counseling sessions totally altered after that.  He realized that my childhood was not the lovely lie I told.  "I had a great childhood.  I went to the park.  I went to the zoo."  Several years later my daughter had an opportunity to read A Child Called It.  She didn't read past the first chapter before stating bluntly that nobody could do this to their kid no matter what.  My daughter couldn't comprehend the world I knew so well.  It is possible in one generation to so alter lives that you can actually see the progress and change.  It is not impossible to be a chain breaker.