I'm back

Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.

Mahatma Gandhi

Eight years ago my life was falling apart on so many levels I didn't know what to do to survive.  I knew then that the only person I could change was myself.  I started counseling and under the care of KavinCoach my world was turned upside-down and inside-out.  One of the things I learned about myself was that I was terrified of making the smallest mistake whether it was over-cooking the peas or accidentally making a wrong turn I was devastated.  In my fear of making a mistake I became paralyzed and did nothing instead.  You can't make a mistake if you do nothing, right?   The history of why I am like this is muddy and ugly.  A teacher in 4th grade that had a multiplication board that made a horrible buzzing sound every time I made a mistake.  A mother that wanted to make sure that I never made a mistake twice.  "What can we do that you never do that again?"  Expectations so unreasonable that no child could possibly succeed.  How could I possibly learn as an adult that mistakes are OK?  My friend helped me with an odd solution.  I do really hard sudokus.  If I make a mistake the puzzle can not be finished, I have to turn the page and start another one.  I used to do them in pencil until I caught myself trying to erase all the little squares to correct my error.  Now I do them in ink.  If I blow the puzzle I get to put a great, big X across the page, and start the next puzzle.  I don't have to keep redoing it until it is perfect.  Perfectionism allows no room for error, mistakes, mess ups, inconsistencies, everything must be perfect.  If I was just perfect then I would be loved.  What a gruesome lie.  Even crueler when the "Be ye therefore perfect" scripture is trotted out.  I mess up. I make mistakes.  I say things that are not what I wished I had said.  I do things in a less than orderly fashion.  I am a human being and I am not perfect and that is OK.  In this land of the free, few people realize that there are homes where children are not free to make mistakes.  It is not freedom unless you are free to make a mistake.  It is not freedom if someone else tries to remove the consequences of the mistakes you have made.  I believe in the freedom to make mistakes.  I am willing to take the responsibility for those mistakes.  I also recognize what may be a mistake to one person is the best thing possible for someone else.