Now I get it

Human beings, vegetables, or cosmic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible player.

Albert Einstein

One of the interesting things that I am reading now is that things KavinCoach told me before are finally making sense.  I am continuing reading the book about boundaries and learning the psychologist’s terminology for how people cope with severe stress.  One of the things discussed is “hiding the True self.”  After I learned I functioned as a multiple personality I was trying to understand how I functioned with these different parts.  (Imagine your arms and legs each having a mind of their own.  Each wanting to go their own direction.)  KavinCoach asked me. “Which one is the ‘real’ Ruth?”   

Every part of me was furious at him for implying that some of the alters were not real.  I think it was the first time that all of us acknowledged and resisted the same information.  In my way of thinking, we were all real and I needed all the parts to survive.  The interesting thing about integrating is now I understand what the book is referring to as the “false self.”  It is not an alter, a separate personality.  It seems to me these behaviors, ideas, and feelings we place in front of our ‘real self’ to protect from marauding predators, usually human in form and most of it emotionally abusive behavior.  This front image or false self is not who you really are, but more of a wall or defense system that has little or nothing to do with how a person actually feels.  A simple example is when we are asked for our opinion, rather than say how we really feel, we tell the person what they want to hear or a false front answer that might be more acceptable to the person.  Strictly speaking, the false self is the lies we tell to others and our self to protect us from an uncomfortable reality.  The harsher our environment that we live in, the more complex and thick our defenses we create to protect our real self.  Part of the counseling process is to reveal and persuade our ‘real self’ to come out of hiding.  We are not who we pretend to be.  I now understand a lot of things that made no sense before.  

Many years ago I read a book about self-defeating behaviors.  I read it and it sounded great but when I attempted to put the principles in to practice something didn’t work.  I suspect now that I am integrated that my united self can better understand and put into practice the ideas taught.   For me before integration, switching overrode all other defense mechanism and functioned similar to the doctor hitting your reflex point underneath your knee.  The knee moved without conscious thought.  It just happened.  I am feeling like a whole new world is opening up and I don’t know the ground rules.  Then I remind myself that nobody did at first.  I am a late bloomer.  This is going to be fun.  :)