My nephew posted this. It had me thinking about the whole issue of how forgiveness fits into my philosophy of living. I appreciate the book Forgiveness Is A Choice by Robert D. Enright, Phd identifying "psuedo-forgiveness" that I was taught. The old distortion "forgive and forget" without protecting yourself from being hurt again. I appreciated KavinCoach splitting forgiveness from reconciliation. I have finally come up with my definition. Forgiveness is about me and my feelings about an event, person or combination from my past. Not forgiving to me implies that I am still seeking revenge which by the quote above is a dead thing. Forgiveness to me I have processed my feelings over an incident where I was hurt or offended. I processed those feelings on my time line which can be very slow. I decide when I am finished processing those feelings. I have put the event in perspective that no longer has the power to haunt me, hurt me, or control me. If I am still hurting, I am not done with the forgiveness process as I understand it. I want to be in a place that my past events I can recognize the events, talk about them, learn from them, but they no longer have power to hurt me. To me, this is forgiveness. However, I like the idea presented by Dr. Enright when he shares in his book that forgiveness is a prerequisite to reconciliation but not guaranteed. KavinCoach pointed out the same idea. How I understand this, contrary to how I was raised, I can forgive someone and choose to no longer associate with them. Forgiveness is about emotional peace and is for me. Reconciliation is a continuing association with the person that hurt me and is conditional on the other person changing how they treat me. Conditional on the other persons sincerity in their apology. Conditional on my feeling they are to be trusted. Conditional on my desire to continue the association with the other person. To me, Forgiveness doe not equal Reconciliation. They are two separate events that are linked but reconciliation is not mandatory for forgiveness. Now when someone tells me that I haven't forgiven the other person if we no longer associate, I reply, "I have chosen to forgive them, but I chose not to interact with that person any more." In my own mind, I can list the reasons why but I do not have to justify why I no longer want to interact with the other person. Forgiveness for me is letting go of the past and turning to the future. Reconciliation is deciding if I want to reestablish friendship with a person that has hurt me in the past.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Forgiveness not always Reconciliation
Power is a live thing that you reach out to grasp the future with, revenge is a dead thing that reaches out from the past to grasp you- Miles
My nephew posted this. It had me thinking about the whole issue of how forgiveness fits into my philosophy of living. I appreciate the book Forgiveness Is A Choice by Robert D. Enright, Phd identifying "psuedo-forgiveness" that I was taught. The old distortion "forgive and forget" without protecting yourself from being hurt again. I appreciated KavinCoach splitting forgiveness from reconciliation. I have finally come up with my definition. Forgiveness is about me and my feelings about an event, person or combination from my past. Not forgiving to me implies that I am still seeking revenge which by the quote above is a dead thing. Forgiveness to me I have processed my feelings over an incident where I was hurt or offended. I processed those feelings on my time line which can be very slow. I decide when I am finished processing those feelings. I have put the event in perspective that no longer has the power to haunt me, hurt me, or control me. If I am still hurting, I am not done with the forgiveness process as I understand it. I want to be in a place that my past events I can recognize the events, talk about them, learn from them, but they no longer have power to hurt me. To me, this is forgiveness. However, I like the idea presented by Dr. Enright when he shares in his book that forgiveness is a prerequisite to reconciliation but not guaranteed. KavinCoach pointed out the same idea. How I understand this, contrary to how I was raised, I can forgive someone and choose to no longer associate with them. Forgiveness is about emotional peace and is for me. Reconciliation is a continuing association with the person that hurt me and is conditional on the other person changing how they treat me. Conditional on the other persons sincerity in their apology. Conditional on my feeling they are to be trusted. Conditional on my desire to continue the association with the other person. To me, Forgiveness doe not equal Reconciliation. They are two separate events that are linked but reconciliation is not mandatory for forgiveness. Now when someone tells me that I haven't forgiven the other person if we no longer associate, I reply, "I have chosen to forgive them, but I chose not to interact with that person any more." In my own mind, I can list the reasons why but I do not have to justify why I no longer want to interact with the other person. Forgiveness for me is letting go of the past and turning to the future. Reconciliation is deciding if I want to reestablish friendship with a person that has hurt me in the past.
My nephew posted this. It had me thinking about the whole issue of how forgiveness fits into my philosophy of living. I appreciate the book Forgiveness Is A Choice by Robert D. Enright, Phd identifying "psuedo-forgiveness" that I was taught. The old distortion "forgive and forget" without protecting yourself from being hurt again. I appreciated KavinCoach splitting forgiveness from reconciliation. I have finally come up with my definition. Forgiveness is about me and my feelings about an event, person or combination from my past. Not forgiving to me implies that I am still seeking revenge which by the quote above is a dead thing. Forgiveness to me I have processed my feelings over an incident where I was hurt or offended. I processed those feelings on my time line which can be very slow. I decide when I am finished processing those feelings. I have put the event in perspective that no longer has the power to haunt me, hurt me, or control me. If I am still hurting, I am not done with the forgiveness process as I understand it. I want to be in a place that my past events I can recognize the events, talk about them, learn from them, but they no longer have power to hurt me. To me, this is forgiveness. However, I like the idea presented by Dr. Enright when he shares in his book that forgiveness is a prerequisite to reconciliation but not guaranteed. KavinCoach pointed out the same idea. How I understand this, contrary to how I was raised, I can forgive someone and choose to no longer associate with them. Forgiveness is about emotional peace and is for me. Reconciliation is a continuing association with the person that hurt me and is conditional on the other person changing how they treat me. Conditional on the other persons sincerity in their apology. Conditional on my feeling they are to be trusted. Conditional on my desire to continue the association with the other person. To me, Forgiveness doe not equal Reconciliation. They are two separate events that are linked but reconciliation is not mandatory for forgiveness. Now when someone tells me that I haven't forgiven the other person if we no longer associate, I reply, "I have chosen to forgive them, but I chose not to interact with that person any more." In my own mind, I can list the reasons why but I do not have to justify why I no longer want to interact with the other person. Forgiveness for me is letting go of the past and turning to the future. Reconciliation is deciding if I want to reestablish friendship with a person that has hurt me in the past.
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5 comments:
This is helpful, clear, concise, and focused on what you are able to control. Thank you for sharing.
Forgiveness needs to be earned by the abuser. When they change their behaviour and show remorse then I will consider forgiveness.
But, you're right, Ruth. Just because I am able to forgive, they don't necessarily get a free pass back into my life.
Another great post! Thanks!
"Forgiveness needs to be earned by the abuser." Has me thinking. I feel like that puts the control back in the hands of the abuser. I do agree if I tell them I forgive them that is conditional on them earning those words and would be part of the reconciliation process. Thanks for helping me think that through. Forgiveness is such a difficult subject since there seems to be so many definitions and abusers use it to twist their victims conscious. Thanks mulderfan for pointing out a significant part of how abusers should not be getting a free pass just because they don't want to face consequences. I appreciate the great comment.
Earned forgiveness does not put the abuser in control because they have to earn it from YOU.
It's up to them to take action that gains your approval...a role reversal for sure!
I hadn't thought of it that way. I like that perspective. Thank you.
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