Competition and Comparison

Parents forgive their children least readily for the faults they themselves instilled in them. Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

Anything can be turned into a competition or cooperation, all depends on how you setup the rules.

Promoting Positive Self-concept in children...
4.  Avoiding competition.  There is always a "loser" in competition.  Instead set individual goals for each child.  

I was raised in environment of competition and comparison....Schools are setup for competition and comparison.  Then people tried to get away from competition and comparison with awards for everybody.  That doesn't work either.  I explored this, a lot.  I have two books on my shelf on how to create games that have no winners and no losers and no teams. (The New Games Book and More New Games!) My kids didn't realize it but I tried to incorporate these concepts into our home and failed miserably.  Competition was part of how I survived.  Survival of the insanest.  Something devastating happens to a child when they must compete for the food they eat then find out that they can't possibly win since they are not the favorite.  My daughter told me not to read Hunger Games because it was too much of how my childhood was.  My sister and I were constantly compared or treated as interchangeable.  If I liked it then of course my sister liked the same thing or vice versa.  I finally gave up trying to take competition out and instead taught my kids strategies.  I didn't let my kids win.  My friend chastised me for hurting their egos by always beating them.  I assured her that soon they would be able to beat me and they would love it.  Sure enough, when the kids would beat me, they would dance around the house crowing, "I beat Mom." What I tried mostly to do was to recognize that each child was uniquely themselves like no other in the universe.  Their combination of strengths were wonderfully designed for them.  Each one had their own challenges.  Each one had their own dreams.  Each one has their own destiny.  I tried not to compare them with things like this child is better than that child.  I don't think I always succeed, it was too much of part of my thinking.  The older I get the more I want my family to realize that we are all on the same side.  The world is challenging enough without beating each other up.  I prefer to play games with the computer.  It will always beat me but I can be as competitive as I want and will never hurt the computers ego.  Children like to play games.  I learned that losing doesn't need to be devastating.  Like many things in life, it is a learned reaction.   A lot of the learning comes from parents.  Now, I am parenting myself.  Several of my children (I am including in-laws) that are all good at photography.  We each have our own style.  We each enjoy taking pictures.  I feel no need to compete and enjoy sharing information and ideas.  I am leaning that sharing an interest does not make it a contest unless we choose to do that.  Of course, at my house, there is always plenty of food.  I have no need to compare myself to someone else.  I remember listening to an exercise tape that gently reminded me to not compare myself to someone else, "Their stretch may always be greater than mine."  I am learning to enjoy cooking because I stopped comparing myself to chefs.  You know, I can enjoy my own experiments and create my own yummy dishes.  It is really a lot of fun, especially if I can find someone else to help me eat the experiments.  I was walking back to the classroom with a couple of students.  I almost burst out laughing when the thought came into my head to take off running and shout back, "Last one there is a rotten egg."  Yup, I am a work in progress....I think I have a ways to go yet.