Looking back to be ready to move forward

"It has been my philosophy of life that
difficulties vanish when faced boldly."
- Isaac Asimov
Click Here For Success Tip # 041


End of a year invites reflection as to what I accomplished or didn't this year. For me, there is a larger scope to consider, I am in the process of tapering off with the goal of stopping counseling by the end of 2013.  So not only am I reviewing the year, I am reviewing the past 10 years and what counseling did for me.  I talked with my kids about the changes.  At the same time, I am working on improving my physical health.  Corrective surgery is proving to be amazing.  I am functioning with energy levels so high that I don't know how to handle.  I get bored and restless because I am not so exhausted all the time.  Changes happened and are continue to happening.  Pondering the changes I came to the conclusion that for me counseling wasn't so much a process of learning to be happy as it was clearing out those beliefs and distortions that made me miserable.  I entered counseling I had a great childhood going to the park and the zoo.  Now, I know that my childhood was abusive and if I was a child living that same life today I would be put in a group home.  "The truth will set you free but first it will make you really miserable."  I think my thoughts were triggered by a someone on Facebook asking, "Would you rather hear an ugly truth or pretty lies?"  Ugly truths are scary but as Asimov stated faced boldly then tend to vanish or diminish to what is there.  Looking back for me was like looking at a bunch of weird shaped objects in a black bag.  Counseling sessions were more about my reaction to others experiences that I read about than actually remembering my own.  Finally, my mind started releasing my own memories...some were cute or nice like the day I remembered the names of all my elementary school teachers...others were right out of horror movies.  I never watch horror movies since it is not entertainment to watch the stuff my life is made of.  My counselor helped me tear away from enmeshment with my family of origin...and tore off my views of distortions and false teachings.  My counselor described the sessions as tearing out a damaged and faulty foundation.  Then replacing that corrupted crumbling mass with a sure foundation built on truth and emotionally healthy living.  I still had to function.  I felt like I was living in a house while major reconstruction was being done.  Now, the foundation is completed.  There is still some creaking and groaning of settling into place.  Still moments of clearing out old debris and toxic thinking but the foundation is now in place.  I remember the session that we talked about the truths that were part of my foundation.  My faith in Christ and Heavenly Father.  My belief in the foundations of my religion.  The recognition that these core values that held me together through difficult times in my childhood and as a mother of a young family.  The sweet remembrance of reading the New Testament on my own in Junior high.  I chuckle to remember that I read the New Testament and the Hobbit.  Otherwise I didn't read much since reading was a struggle for me.  The bare bones of my foundation started with Love one another...be kind to those that despitefully use you....Love thy neighbor as thyself....serve others....these truths threaded their way through the mass of lies and deceptions and shored up my belief in doing good to others.  My belief in Christ was my strongest deterrent to committing suicide.  I believe in an after life...if I took my own life how would I explain to my savior that was crucified that life was too hard to endure.  Clearing away the distortions that kept me from feeling emotions was painful and difficult.  Emotions were jumbled together and painful ones were preserved intact and unchanged for years.  I felt emotions of fear and terror from my life.  Fear so intense that I could barely speak.  Passing out from intense emotions is possible.  Tearing off scabbed over areas of my life and feeling with tender exposed skin.  Counseling was tough....change is tough....learning to live healthy is amazing.  Clearing away the garbage allowed the happiness and joy to flood in too.  Like Pandora's box, the scary stuff came first and afterwards came hope.  Hope of a future built on a foundation of truth and authentic living.  2013 is going to be an amazing year.