Praise

"You were born with potential. You were born with goodness and trust. You were born with ideas and dreams. You were born with greatness. You were born with wings. You are NOT meant for crawling, so don't. You have wings, learn to use them and fly." - Rumi

Been a while, since I wrote a post that I just dreaded writing. A minefield of triggers just waiting to explode all over the place. However, I am determined to explore all the ways recommended to promote a positive self-concept in children. No skipping because one of them makes me feel uncomfortable, squirmy, terrified of what might pop out on the page.  (Fingers sometimes have a mind of their own....truly.) 

4. Praising the child for achievements.  Even thought the achievement may seem small to the parent, it is important to the child and praise will help a child to feel good about him/herself. 

Seems harmless enough.  Most people would agree that praising a child really helps in the self-esteem department, especially if the praise is genuine.  So where's the problem....I remember spending several sessions on this one subject.  KavinCoach noted that I totally dismissed any praise or compliment he gave me.  Most compliments created a barrage of examples of how anything good from me was an anomaly.  Saying that I accepted compliments poorly was a massive understatement.  If I were a bit bolder, there were a few times when he complimented me on my progress that I would have shouted, "Bull Shit."  Nope, not the average reaction to a compliment.  Pull back the glossy shell and what do I have under all this seething anger about compliments.  I remember KavinCoach asking what is the difference between a compliment and a criticism.  I chirped right back, "I never had to duck a compliment."  He took a double take on that one.  He was expecting an answer more along the lines that criticism is hurtful.  I knew that not meeting the mark could have painful consequences.  Another twist was the horror if my father complimented me.  I would suffer terribly for any compliment given.  Cutting me back down to size, so I don't get a swelled head was NM's favorite activity.  Better to stay low and keep anything good hidden under a bushel basket.  Safer that way.  Compliments from both my parents usually came loaded with ugly barbs attached.  "You did very well but, blah blah blah would have been better."  "You were Ok but you didn't share with your sister."  "You might have graduated top in your class but your brothers are smarter.  You only got good grades because you worked hard." The tone of voice let me know that all that hard work was some how bad.  I meet a person that starts praising me too much and I run for cover.  More compliments and they are instantly put on my "do not trust" list.  A compliment not only had barbs, they also had hooks.  "You are sooooo good with fixing computers, come fix mine."  "You do that so well, you can do it for me too."  KavinCoach was persistent and explained to me that when someone pays me a compliment, I say "Thank you."  That's it, nothing more.  Again applying this to myself is a work in progress.  Do I let myself accept a compliment graciously?  Do I bask in the joy of an accomplishment, even if it seems small to others?  (I did really good yesterday, I can now touch my toes by bending over at my waist.)  Do I acknowledge when I struggle through and finish a difficult task?  Am I cheering for me?  Tough questions.  KavinCoach gave me an assignment to do something nice for someone every day for a week.  At the end of the day, I recorded what I did.  The following week he asked me what I learned.  I reported that I learned I could be doing a lot more for people every week.  I still remember that look of frustration when he said, "No, you are supposed to think you are a nice person because you did something nice for someone."  Totally missed the point on that one.   My awesome Zumba teacher finishes up our class with us reaching around and patting ourselves on our back for a job well done.  I am learning to do that at other times too.  Made it through the post with no major mishaps.  Something that I did learn about kids, if you listen to the small stuff, they will tell you the big stuff.  Kids do thrive when praised, so do adults.  I am finally learning that with many people a compliment is just that a compliment...bask and enjoy.  :)

One of my school projects.  A little table and chair small enough for the grandkids and I can sit on it.