Explore

"The young do not know enough to
be prudent, and therefore they attempt
the impossible -- and achieve it,
generation after generation."
- Pearl S. Buck
Click Here For Success Tip # 013

This next one was a mixed bag for me.  Easier to explain after sharing the next idea to promote positive self-concept in children by Miss C:

6. Giving children room to achieve and explore.  This includes allowing children to make and learn from their mistakes.  

Where do I begin with this one?  Giving a child room does not mean total unlimited freedom to take off and wander the streets by four years old.  I was totally unsupervised hours at a time.  In the summer I could write on the sign out sheet 'Gone bike riding' and as long as I was back in time to help with dinner nobody knew where I was or what I was doing.  This total lack of supervision was the source of the pedophile down the street having so much access to me.  He actually gave some structure to my life.  He was important to me because so much freedom at such a young age is scary.  At first, he created an atmosphere that somebody cared where I was.  This was the grooming process.  Later, he abused me in every way possible.  Then in high school my parents tried to curtail much of this 'freedom'/neglect that they gave me and started laying down rules that were sometimes ludicrous after having such total run of the neighborhood, closing the barn door after all the cows escaped comes to mind.  In high school, my father dictated what classes I could take.  I knew quickly that I could have my own ideas as long as they fit into the neat box they expected me to be in.  Taming a wild child in her teens does not go well.  This is when being a multiple personality let me pull off the impossible.  To my teachers, my parents, my friends I presented a different personality.  I learned to be for each person what they wanted me to be.  Who I was, got lost in the shuffle.  I started trying to figure things out because I was realizing at this time that I didn't function like my friends.  So in one sense my parents gave me room to explore by neglecting me but this wasn't sustained during the vital teen years when the exploration needs to increase not decrease.  In the story a few days ago about the demise of the hamster, my mother removed the natural consequences of poor choices.  But I would be punished for more frivolously things like taking too long to clean the bathroom.  Yes, she would time me.  During this time I started punishing myself for perceived infractions.  Cutting out TV if I didn't have my homework done was my own punishment.  KavinCoach assured me that my childhood and teen years were severely messed up.

So what does a healthy giving myself room to explore and achieve look like?  Changing my major in college from computer engineering to photography I finally rebelled in a healthy way.  I took classes in drawing, painting, woodworking, non-silver photographic processes, and other classes that let me explore and achieve in ways that were healthy.  I encourage myself to try cooking experiments.  I am learning to make trifle and taking it some place else for people to eat it all up.  I discovered that using coconut milk to make the pudding for coconut cream pie is really yummy.  I am pushing myself into areas that I wanted to try.  I do make mistakes.  In sewing, I jokingly tell people that I learned by trial and error; my errors were a real trial.  This is something that is very cool once an abuse survivor is an adult, you can try all the things that were forbidden or squashed when you were a child.   It takes a while to believe it... but wow, once you believe that following your hearts desires is possible, no holds bar.  I am dancing, cooking, shooting pictures, and many other things that I dreamed of doing.  Learning to dream again I think is one of the most cherished gifts from KavinCoach.  He taught that I am not too old, too damaged, or too late to believe in doing what I want.  This is a precious gift.