One
major mistake we tend to make is to assume that other people are like
us. We figure that others are as reasonable, sensible & considerate
as we are & then we get terribly hurt, disappointed or offended when
we discover that they're not. For the sake of our own happiness &
inner peace, we need to see that everyone is different. Some people are
incredibly kind, sensitive & agreeable while others are
hard-hearted, selfish & unreasonable. Rather than assume that other
people are just like us, we can observe how they behave & then make
our judgments based on what we see, as opposed to how we hoped people
would be.
I need the reminder from time to time. I noticed that part of being an ACoN is that I felt like my mother just couldn't see me. The me that is separate from her with my own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. Now, I realize that as humans we tend to act as if everyone will act just like us. I need to consider if I am projecting my expectations on to her. Separating myself from the enmeshed relationship with my mother was painful and difficult. One of the things I needed to accept was that she did not see in herself what I saw. I need to accept that she does not value the same things I do. I need to observe her behavior not as I remembered what she did but how she behaves now. This is not for me to abandon my progress or my boundaries but to better see what boundaries I need to strengthen. I need to be aware that as I change so does she but not in the same direction. I noticed that in my finding peace with myself I was letting down barriers that were not safe to let down. Just because I spent years becoming healthier, it does not mean that she did the same. I would like to maintain some contact but it needs to be healthy for me. I have come a long way down my path of growing emotional health. I hoped that family members would come with me. Some did. Some did not. In reviewing my own progress, I also need to observe where my relationships are now, not as I remember them.
I need the reminder from time to time. I noticed that part of being an ACoN is that I felt like my mother just couldn't see me. The me that is separate from her with my own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. Now, I realize that as humans we tend to act as if everyone will act just like us. I need to consider if I am projecting my expectations on to her. Separating myself from the enmeshed relationship with my mother was painful and difficult. One of the things I needed to accept was that she did not see in herself what I saw. I need to accept that she does not value the same things I do. I need to observe her behavior not as I remembered what she did but how she behaves now. This is not for me to abandon my progress or my boundaries but to better see what boundaries I need to strengthen. I need to be aware that as I change so does she but not in the same direction. I noticed that in my finding peace with myself I was letting down barriers that were not safe to let down. Just because I spent years becoming healthier, it does not mean that she did the same. I would like to maintain some contact but it needs to be healthy for me. I have come a long way down my path of growing emotional health. I hoped that family members would come with me. Some did. Some did not. In reviewing my own progress, I also need to observe where my relationships are now, not as I remember them.
2 comments:
Once, I asked my mother why she was never a friend to me. She told me that because she's my mother, she's not made to be my friend. In other words, hierarchy will always be the name of the game, and I will always be on bottom.
How sad for her. She is missing out on something and someone special. I am thankful my counselor taught me how I could change my relationship with my adult children. Made a wonderful difference. My mom missed out too.
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