the dust of everyday life.
- Berthold Auerbach
Thursday I had a session with NewCounselor (misnamed since I have worked with him for 2 years.) I so appreciate his perspective and his ability to help me see my life in a different light. He also makes great suggestions that when I am able to follow them helps me to improve my life. I was able to go in early and we started right into me dissecting my reaction to finding out about my increased hearing loss with the implication that my brain tumor is probably growing. Timing is amazing. My phone started ringing as I neared the freeway exit to his office. I didn't answer my phone but my anxiety shot through the roof. I paid extra special attention to my driving. When I stopped in the parking spot, I returned the phone call. It was the MRI center setting up an appointment for my next brain scan. Only took two days for the message to come to me and I am going on Monday. I feel real uncomfortable when medical people get things done quickly. I learned that the faster you get in for appointments the more concerned the doctor is about your condition. NewCounselor didn't have an appointment before mine today so invited me in early. I felt relief to be able to talk about everything so quickly. I was trying to stay calm but I am anything but. I did what I was trained to do and intellectualized what was happening. NewCounselor reminded me that he was the last person I should try that with. I stopped. Then he asked the question that hit right at the core of my fears. "What will you miss most if you lose the hearing in your ear?" I started to cry. Music. I will still have one ear so conversation is difficult but not lost. I noticed in the last few months that I can't pick out familiar melodies. I love music. I spent 9 years in piano lessons and years in choirs. I hum to myself when I work. I have a yearly pilgrimage to listen to Cast in Bronze. http://www.castinbronze.com/ My left ear is making hearing music much more difficult. My singing is now all off key. NewCounselor asked me what my grief would look like? He gave me permission to feel the deep sorrow of loss. I don't need to minimize it, intellectualize it, or any other ..ize it. I can feel it. Then he helped me put things in a different perspective. Encouraged me to voice what I needed and gave me little tiny words I could use to express it. Underscored why I am still in counseling, I don't know how to live. He teaches me what I don't know about living. I am blessed with a counselor that encourages me to grow to meet each challenge. He assured me I didn't need to follow his suggestions but I am learning that he has excellent suggestions to improve my life in the midst of great challenge. I realized that all the way home a tune was humming around in my head.
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| Abstracted flight |
12 comments:
Oh, Ruth! Hugs! I'm so sorry this could be happening to you.
This is not meant to be a trite attempt at comfort, just a thought: remember Beethoven. People who love music don't really lose it with loss of hearing, it's yours, it's inside you forever.
I thought of Beethoven too. He put the piano on the floor and used the wood floor as an amplifier. I am also planning to go listen to Cast in Bronze. Thanks PA.
The tunes won't stop humming in your head. It's also only for a season. Someday, your body will be perfect. And don't borrow trouble. Maybe the MRI place had a cancellation.
Ruth, as I am deeply in love with music, I can truly relate to how difficult and frightening this must feel to you, that hearing is more difficult now.
I can only emphasize what has been said before me, Beethoven and earworms. Music won't ever leave you.
I also believe that you will get better, or the doctors will find a way to help you get your hearing back.
My prayers for you.
As my hearing disappeared and is now almost gone completely in both ears, I missed hearing my cats purr but then discovered I could FEEL them purr! My DD is taking American Sign Language courses and teaching me as she goes along. She's making it fun by teaching me the naughty words first. We like "talking" together and knowing others can't "hear" us. My ability to read lips can be unnerving to some people!
Music still works for me in my car...surround sound! But as I drive by folks they must think it's a teenager with their music up too loud. I sometimes sit in the car in the driveway and listen to my favourite song. I'm a bit of a low-brow AC/DC fan!
I guess as with anything we humans find ways to adapt. I find feeling the purr is actually cooler than hearing them!
You've overcome much greater obstacles Ruth and I'm confident you'll find a way to turn this one into another inspiration for folks like me. The quick MRI is a good thing. At least you'll know what you're dealing with.
I love that you have had 2 amazing counselors.....
Just sending you (((HUGS))), love and support. Praying for you. I'm so glad your counselor gets it, and can help. May the doctors figure this out, and get you well. You've given so much here that has helped me. I wish I could return the help you've given me.
We also enjoy Cast In Bronze/Frank della Penna. He's such a neat person, as well as a gifted musician.
I appreciate your encouragement Judy. I remind myself that medical places are trying to have a better service record too.
Thank you Scatha....I looked up earworms since it was a new term for me. Yup. I do get tunes stuck in my head. I remember the day I was humming a tune from a Disney movie. I nearly burst out laughing when one of the grad students at the university recognized the tune then complained later that he was starting to hum it. :)
AC/DC cranked up sounds like the ticket mulderfan...I also like Chicago, 3 Dog Night...Yup, I think a jam session in the car out to be something to do for fun.
Thanks Janet, I feel very blessed to have another excellent counselor.
I appreciate the prayers Brace. I am glad to know that you like Cast in Bronze too. Sounds like you know the man behind the mask. I read his book and own all of his CDs. Once a year I pay to go to the Renaissance fair and just listen to all of his concerts all day long. Lunch is a chocolate crepe with whip cream. Then more music. Not too many weeks away. Happy dance. :)
I read this last night and had to think about what I was going to write because:
1. I f'in pissed this is happening to you. I think there should be only certain amount of crap that one person has to deal with in their lifetime and I'm 1,000% sure you've already hit your threshold.
2. I'm heartbroken for you. Please allow yourself to grieve.
3. I'm sorry. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
Love you!
Kathy
Thank you Kathy.
I don't want to mislead -- I don't know Frank Della Penna personally. Like you, I've seen him perform at a Ren Fest, and we met him after a performance and talked to him. He was so kind, and we could tell how much he loves what he does. I've also read his story and bought a CD. I was upset by how the judges on America's Got Talent treated him last summer. He deserved so much better than that.
So few people seem to know about him. It's cool to me that we both share a love for his music.
Brace I am happy to know that we have a shared enjoyment of Cast in Bronze.
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