Dissecting negative tapes.....

Ruthless Compassion Institute

These days, we seem to be motivated more by the possibilities of external approval than by an inner desire to learn, grow, & succeed. I have a patient who loves art, but isn't able to do their own work. They'll only do so if their art teacher gives them homework. Another patient is a talented writer. They'll do a piece for a class assignment but when it comes to writing on their own, it doesn't happen. It's sad that we're so overly-focused on the reactions of others as opposed to driven by an internal wish to create or accomplish things. We should want to do these things for ourselves, whether they're creative pursuits, personal learning projects, athletic challenges or career advancements. Some people, certainly, are self-motivated & driven by an inner fire. These individuals do well in life & have a deep sense of fulfillment. But they're in the minority. Too many of us will only get going if there's someone else out there who'll be proud of what we've done. The psychology of this is simple: externally-focused people are driven by the child part of the psyche who seeks the love & approval that was insufficient during childhood. The child's priority is to compensate for past losses, rather than create a more fulfilling life for themselves in the present. These folks need to bring an empowered adult to the forefront of their consciousness; an adult who does things out of passion, as opposed to the need for outer approbation. A fully-developed adult is someone who takes responsibility for the care & healing of the child within, so that this part of the psyche becomes a quiet background presence, contributing creativity, curiosity, playfulness & passion to the personality. When the needs of the child within have been addressed & therefore are no longer at the forefront, the needs of the adult can take precedence & the person can pursue meaningful & creative activities for the sake of personal fulfillment itself.

I was not born with negative tapes rolling through my mind. I suspect my first thoughts were Waaaaa my eyes too bright and Waaaa my skin feels funny all weird, oh that's uncomfortable, to learn later it is called cold. The tapes were installed over the years as I grew up and told different things about me by parents, siblings, teachers, friends, enemies, and strangers.  Sadly, as a child, I believed what I was told.  I was told I was fat at 125 lbs I believed it.  If I was told that I talked too much I believed that too.  I was told that I was a terrible at art I believed that.  Then I took all these negatives and put them on a play back tape that rattled over and over until I truly believed all those awful things.  Then came counseling.  Distortions in my thinking were pointed out and discussed.  The tape didn't go away.  Not until I actively recognized what I was saying to myself, acknowledged who said it to me, and then debated its validity.  MyCounselor helped me do this with all my negative tapes about food.  He let me talk and wrote down all the statements I said about food.  There were about 20 of them.  He then had me write each one on a card.  On the other side I wrote if it was true or not and why.  Some of the statements were partially true.  I feel better after eating is partially true.  If I am hungry and I eat I do feel better.  But once my body's needs are met to keep eating is not good for me.  If I eat to stuff emotions I am often stuffing myself with food until I am uncomfortable.  I am fat at 125 lbs is totally false.  MyCounselor pointed out that this works with any negative tape that is playing in my head.  Separate all the statements.  Put them on cards then decide for myself which are valid and which are not.  I learned in counseling that many of the things I was told were about their distortions and not really about me at all.  I can decide what is true for me.  I think part of loving myself is to loving consider information I am given and decide if the suggestion has value.  I feel like I am cutting the Gordian knot by pulling apart and dissecting that pesky negative tape.