Supportive?

 Asked by Jessie http://releasingjessie.blogspot.com/2013/05/support.html:

What does being supportive mean to you?
Does supporting someone mean you have to agree with them?  How can I explain that I don't have to agree with their decisions in order to be supportive of them?
Do you have to support someone (or a choice) they make indefinitely, if you have supported their choice at some point? 
If someone is making dangerous or harmful choices (continually), how can your remove yourself from it without it seeming judgmental?  Is it possible to "support" someone that is choosing things like this?

I thought a lot about these questions posted on Jessie's blog.  I decided this is like many problems a whole bunch of different things are lumped together.  I am going to pull them apart as I understand them.  The interesting thing about being supportive is it really does mean different things to different people.  I also noticed that it can be different when I give support or when I am expecting support from someone else.  I learned most of this the hard way.  Having 6 very different, intelligent, and interesting children gave me opportunities to learn how to be supportive whether I disagreed with their choices or not.  I am blessed that they are all grown and married with children of their own.  They live in different parts of the world and I love all of them.

What does being supportive mean to you?  To me, supporting someone else means that I am accepting them for what they choose to do.  It does not mean that I wish to participate or that I am happy about it.  Our youngest son came to us in his freshman year and announced he was playing football.  I had seen horrible injuries in football and did not allow his two older brothers to participate.  There was something different about his request, actually closer to a demand.  He played, I prayed.  He once commented that he was surprised at how little he played sometimes.  I smiled weakly and replied that sometimes my prayers are answered.  I went to his games but was much happier when he was playing soccer and volleyball.  Other children made choices that I agreed with and disagreed with, I kept in mind that always it is their choice and it is important for them to work out what is best for them.

 Does supporting someone mean you have to agree with them? No, it does not mean I have to agree with them.  I also have a responsibility to clarify if I disagree.  Many people will assume that if I support them then I agree with their decision.  I feel that after I told them once I don't need to bring it up again and again because that starts to sound like nagging them into a different decision.  I noticed at work I had more opportunity to practice this type of support.  Many decisions were made that I disagreed with, but when the final decision was made I followed through with what needed being done.  It was part of my job.  If I continued to tell them how wrong they were, it didn't change the decision.   

How can I explain that I don't have to agree with their decisions in order to be supportive of them?  This greatly depends on the relationship.  In an atmosphere of mutual acceptance and respect, I simply give my opinion.  However, in a relationship where the other person does not respect me, it doesn't matter what I say because they want me to agree with them not just support them.  I once told KavinCoach how I wanted to explain things to my parents.  He pointed to the wall.  His quick reminder that beating my head against the wall would do just as much good and would stop hurting when I quit.  If no matter what I say I get a negative response, usually a clear indication that the other person does not respect me.

 Do you have to support someone (or a choice) they make indefinitely, if you have supported their choice at some point? The beautiful thing about being human is we can change our minds.  The circumstances may change, I might get new information, I might feel that the direction is not turning out as expected.  If I hadn't changed my mind, I would stay stuck in the same rut indefinitely.  If the other person is so rigid in their thinking that changing my mind would have a negative impact, again I must consider whether or not the relationship is built on mutual respect. 

If someone is making dangerous or harmful choices (continually), how can your remove yourself from it without it seeming judgmental?  This is actually a two part question.  One part is about supporting someone else's decision and the other is about making judgements.  This one question could turn into a post of its own, which I will probably do later this week.  The fact that I deem the other persons choice dangerous or harmful means a judgement is already made.  Often that judgement is based on experience.  A child running into a busy street is fairly easy to judge as dangerous.  I believe that we have a responsibility to make these types of short term judgements.  Removing myself from someone else's poor choices is a judgement but it is my decision to keep myself safe.  Then it is their judgement of me saying that I can not make a choice for myself.  Often when people are blasting me telling me I am being judgmental they are in fact judging me expecting me to turn my back on my own feelings and perspective.  (Definitely its own post.)  Part of setting boundaries is protecting myself from harm.  The other person that is accustomed to breaching my boundaries will quiet likely accuse me of being judgmental when I defend my boundaries.  They won't like it.  Too bad.  Again, I recognize that the person that is accusing me of being judgmental mostly likely does not respect me.    

Is it possible to "support" someone that is choosing things like this?  I will answer this question with one of my own, why should I support someone that I believe is making a dangerous or harmful choice especially if it involves my safety?  I would not get in a car with someone that has been drinking who is also the driver.  If I was the one not drinking, I would drive or take a taxi.  Am I supporting their drinking and driving, absolutely not.  Can I still accept the other person?  Yes.  I think that sometimes people confuse support with acceptance of everything they do.  I can accept and care for the person that is making dangerous choices with out supporting their decision.  I believe there is a difference between accepting a person and accepting what they do.  I am learning there is also a big difference in relationships with mutual respect and those that use 'support', 'not judging', and 'you have to accept me because I am family' as a way to manipulate me. 


Dictionary meaning: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/support

sup·port  (s-pôrt, -prt)

tr.v. sup·port·ed, sup·port·ing, sup·ports

1. To bear the weight of, especially from below.

2. To hold in position so as to keep from falling, sinking, or slipping.

3. To be capable of bearing; withstand: "His flaw'd heart . . . too weak the conflict to support" (Shakespeare).

4. To keep from weakening or failing; strengthen: The letter supported him in his grief.

5. To provide for or maintain, by supplying with money or necessities.

6. To furnish corroborating evidence for: New facts supported her story.

7.

a. To aid the cause, policy, or interests of: supported her in her election campaign.

b. To argue in favor of; advocate: supported lower taxes.

8. To endure; tolerate: "At supper there was such a conflux of company that I could scarcely support the tumult" (Samuel Johnson).

9. To act in a secondary or subordinate role to (a leading performer).