A complex emotion that is defined in the dictionary as meaning:
noun
noun: shame
1.
a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.
"she was hot with shame"
a loss of respect or esteem; dishonor.
"the incident had brought shame on his family"
used to reprove someone for something of which they should be ashamed.
"shame on you for hitting a woman"
a regrettable or unfortunate situation or action.
"it is a shame that they are not better known"
| synonyms: | pity, misfortune, sad thing; More
bad luck;
"it's a shame she never married"
|
a person, action, or situation that brings a loss of respect or honor.
plural noun: shames
"ignorance of Latin would be a disgrace and a shame to any public man"
verb
verb: shame; 3rd person present: shames; past tense: shamed; past participle: shamed; gerund or present participle: shaming
1.
(of a person, action, or situation) make (someone) feel ashamed.
"I tried to shame him into giving some away"
| synonyms: | humiliate, mortify, chagrin, embarrass, abash, chasten, humble, take down a peg or two, cut down to size;
informalshow up, make someone eat crow
"he was shamed in public"
bring shame to.
"the entire debacle has shamed our community"
cause (someone) to feel ashamed or inadequate by outdoing or surpassing them.
"she shames me with her eighty-year-old energy"
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You notice that no where in here does it describe the type of shame used by abusers to keep victims under their thumb by blaming the victim for the terrible things that happen. Teaching a child that it is their fault that they are hit, molested, or raped is a basis for a toxic shame that sentences a victim to a life time of self-blame, embarrassment, and humiliation. Shame may be used to keep the predator's door mat firmly under their feet. Protests from the victims is met by twisted reasoning that turns the tables from recognizing the abusers poor behavior that it gets twisted around to shaming the victim. Twice my counselor tried to give me a book about Shame....twice I returned it because I couldn't decipher the author's use of toxic shame and healthy shame. I realize now that I was exposed to so much toxic shame I couldn't comprehend a way for it to be healthy. Perhaps if instead of trying to separate shame into healthy and unhealthy behaviors, they explained it in the frame work of honor. If I have done something dishonorable, I need to change my behavior and the discomfort I feel is an internal motivator for change. However, if an abuser does something dishonorable, then uses shame and blame to shift their responsibility, I need to reject that emotion and recognize it for the manipulation of the abuser. Sorting out the difference is going to take a lot of work for me. The hooks of toxic shame were sunk deeply into my childhood conscience. Counseling has gone a long ways to help me to sort out what behaviors I am responsible for and what behaviors my abusers are responsible for. I did not make them mad. I did not make them molest me. I did not cause them to get out of control. All these behaviors were their choices. That shame is theirs. When I yelled at my kids, when I lost my temper, when I neglected my responsibilities, the shame I am feeling is an uncomfortable motivator for change. I don't like shame, acting honorably now keeps that feeling in my past.
2 comments:
I recently have been looking more in depth at "shame" and what it is (and how it relates to disciplining children. It seems that many people think it's OK to make a child feel badly in order to get them to behavior.) Your post shed some interesting light on the subject for me. Thanks!
Positive peer pressure can help sometimes but mostly in the long run the negative impact of shaming doesn't isn't worth the price.
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