Monday, January 5, 2015

Risk Dread....spells Lack of sleep

 Rough day......If you don't want to read a bummer post.....checking tomorrow after my counseling session....should be doing better then, I hope.

One of the parts of counseling rarely discussed is the massive feeling of vulnerability I experience.  I am opening myself up to a relative stranger that may or may not except what I say.  They may or may not have a suggestion that will be helpful.  Sometimes it has nothing to do with the counselor.  Sometimes it is saying out loud those things I promised to keep quiet f o r e v e r.  True that promise was made with threat of bodily harm but it still feels binding.  Not logical.  Emotions riding high.  Knowing that I am walking into a mine field and I am choosing to go forward knowing full well I could get emotionally blown to bits.  I suppressed memories for a reason.  I have no desire whatsoever to poke around in them.  My body remembers and responds to triggers.  I know that the only way to remove some mines out of my mine field is to blow them up.  My body knows it.  My body refuses to sleep.  My body shuts off basic functions like swallowing and hearing.  Tension is screaming in my body to be released but I wait.  I know the process.  I know what has to be done.  I know that the only way is through.  I deleted a web page when I reread the article I originally intended to share.  It was an article that stated they knew what cause PTSD they boiled it down to the body not releasing tension from an experience.  By the end of the paragraph I knew their perspective did not match my experience.  I didn't have one trauma.  I had day after day after day.  My abusers told me they loved me then told me they loved my brother more and I had to go hungry so he could have seconds.  Not one day, not two days, but day after day after day.  The trauma doesn't end so when do you stop being prepared for more trauma.  The body goes back to rest when there is a place to rest.  When home is the nightmare, there is no place to rest.  They concluded that people with PTSD needed quiet, healing peaceful environment.  My trauma is inside my head head comes with me where ever I go.  There is no peaceful place that I can go when the turmoil comes with me.  It follows me into sleep....or play.....or doesn't matter where I go.  I have hidden away in a dark room with curtains closed and the memories haunted me.  Busy, wild ride roller coaster living keeps me just ahead of the worse for awhile, but my body can't keep up the wild race.  Calm unleashes the nightmares within.  This week PTSD reminded me that I may be controlling more of my life but it can still kick my butt.  It sucks. 

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