Saturday, October 3, 2015

Hit after hit

Wednesday my whole job got turned around.  That evening I randomly encountered one of my biggest triggers.  My anxiety went through the roof but I didn't run screaming from the room.    Thursday I started processing events and realized that there was a person in administration using me to show her displeasure towards one of the teachers.  I'm a little slow at picking up nuances.  I realized that there reasoning had holes big enough to drive a truck through.  Being used to hurt others is another huge trigger.  Friday one of the groups that I will no longer work with created cards and gave me a basket of flowers.  I was moved to tears.  I loved working with these people.  I will still see them at school I but I won't have the daily contact that I used to have.  The administrators complain that staff moral is low then treat them as nothing more than an X on a spread sheet.  I spent quiet time with grand kids and spent today sorting what I can do something about and what is someone else's responsibility.  Today in karate class, I could barely remember what I was taught on Thursday.  I hate mush brain feeling.  I'm also adjusting my thinking to this new challenge.  I'm excited about what is coming up.  So now I feel guilty for feeling excited about the changes.  I'm just weird.  No emotions is much easier.  Feeling like a snow globe that got shook up and it will take time to understand all the fall out.


Tundra Woman said...

Oh Ruth, "Being used to hurt others." This is so horribly dehumanizing, to understand at an emotional level you're viewed and used as a Tool to further another's twisted agenda is beyond words. I understand why people commit suicide when they are coerced into violating their most deeply held morals, values, ethics, one's own conscience. I don't know if this is much solace, but the reality you were able to look beyond the immediate and determine what and how this was suppose to play out speaks to your ability to step back and see the larger picture.
That is a real skill and IMO, a gift.
Change is hard enough for all of us, like "a snow globe that has been shaken" is a apt description. Your personal GPS not only identifies the manifest, but the implications behind the stated meaning as well.
This has been a tough Fall for you and what I see is only the tip of the iceberg. But I do know you keep putting one foot in front of the other: There are times in our lives when that's more than "enough"-and so are you.

Ruth said...

Thank you TW. Your comment does help. Hugs.