Friday, March 18, 2016

Generational abuse

I come from a long line of abusers and victims.  I listen to stories of grandparents and others and fully understand that I am not unique or special.  I puzzle over how this gets repeated over and over.  One of the blogs I follow shared an explanation of how this happens. 

http://emergingfrombroken.com/victims-can-become-the-biggest-abusers-the-cycle-of-abuse/



Wow!  The section that jumped out at me and reminded me so vividly of my mother was in these lines:
Winning is about forcing someone to comply and making them jump to requests and wishes without question and without concern for personal values or boundaries.  And winning is mistaken for love. - See more at: http://emergingfrombroken.com/victims-can-become-the-biggest-abusers-the-cycle-of-abuse/#sthash.Wmw8O8qm.dpuf
 Winning is about forcing someone to comply and making them jump to requests and wishes without question and without concern for personal values or boundaries.  And winning is mistaken for love. - See more at: http://emergingfrombroken.com/victims-can-become-the-biggest-abusers-the-cycle-of-abuse/#sthash.Wmw8O8qm.dpuf
When the child/victim grows up with this false definition of love then they require their children to do the same thing.  I wish I understood this when I was raising my children.  I worked at changing the cycle but realize not enough.  I didn't know anything else.  In counseling, one of the first things my counselor taught me was personal boundaries and the need to have them in healthy relationships.  That means the other person has personal boundaries too.  I don't want to win.  I want to see other people grow and be themselves whatever that looks like to them.  I am hoping to be a chain breaker...sadly I already passed on some of this.  I remember the sessions in counseling when this was pointed out to me.  I felt devastated.  I also felt drowning in guilt.  I messed up.  I don't know how to fix it.  I start with now.  Now, I don't need my children to be obedient to me.  Now, I can encourage them to be their own best self whatever that looks like to them.  Now, I can see that compliance and winning has no place in a relationship.  I'm not always sure how to go forward but I am working on it. 

The other part that my sister and I remind each other over and over and over again.  Rule #1 Stop lying, especially to yourself.  I lied for years that my parents were not abusive.  I had to acknowledge their mistakes and mine.  I can't change them but I can change me.  I changed how I respond to their need of absolute obedience.  Now, I do what I believe is right and accept that it will never be enough for them because it doesn't allow them to win.  That is ok.  I don't need to let them win so that they can feel good about themselves.  Their happiness is not my responsibility.  Also my happiness is not my children's responsibility.  I feel happy seeing them but it is not their job to make me happy.  I guess, I am breaking the chain by changing my expectations. 
Winning is about forcing someone to comply and making them jump to requests and wishes without question and without concern for personal values or boundaries.  And winning is mistaken for love. - See more at: http://emergingfrombroken.com/victims-can-become-the-biggest-abusers-the-cycle-of-abuse/#sthash.Wmw8O8qm.dpuf
Winning is about forcing someone to comply and making them jump to requests and wishes without question and without concern for personal values or boundaries.  And winning is mistaken for love. - See more at: http://emergingfrombroken.com/victims-can-become-the-biggest-abusers-the-cycle-of-abuse/#sthash.Wmw8O8qm.dpuf

3 comments:

Judy said...

Wow. This makes so much more sense. Thank you, thank you for sharing.

Jenafer Bauerle said...

Everyday we each have the opportunity to be better and more than what we first believe ourselves to be. Let go of what was and move forward to embrace what can be. As my therapist says. "Focus on the doughnut, not the hole." There is a lot more there than what is missing. You can and are already doing what needs to be done.

Ruth said...

As you wonder on through life,
What ever be your goal,
Keep you're eye upon the donut,
Not up on the hole.