Dilemma

Every year at Mother's Day I face an interesting dilemma: How do I celebrate a day that is full of joy and full of pain? 

Several years in counseling were devoted with attempting to wrap my mind around my childhood.  A childhood I mostly don't remember.  Another huge chunk of time was spent wrapping my mind around my relationship with my mother.   I did agree with KavinCoach when he said that what my mother gave me for nurturing was a "Widow's mite."  She didn't have much to give so I didn't get much.  She didn't mean to be the way she is, hurtful and neglectful.  She was raised in an abusive home and she did better for me than was done to her.  I finally looked at KavinCoach and said, "If you are shot on purpose, or by accident, you are equally dead."  The trouble I had was that I knew that my mother was told by her medical doctors on more than one occasion to get counseling.  She refused.  It hurt too much.  She didn't want her life to change.  So she rewrote her history to a happy, wonderful childhood that never existed.  My father reiterating, "That is just the way your mother is, you have to love her."  I felt that I wasn't worth rescuing.  My mother was the most important.  Too bad if I got caught in the fall out.  Get over it.  It is not that bad.  There are worse cases of abuse and neglect.  Why can't you 'forgive and forget?'  The pain is massive.  If I think about it for too long the rage mounts to an unbearable level.  She gave birth to me.  I have bits and pieces of memories that I cherish, unfortunately the sum total is massive damage that I am still in the process of healing.  Every mother's day card I read I want to rip to shreads or cry.  From the age of 5, I have been looking for a mother. 

At age 17 I swore I would never have children.  Life happened and events occurred that I changed my mind, he was 6 feet tall and very good looking.  Married and gave birth to 6 amazing children.  I was on the fast track to becoming a lady engineer before I married.  Not terribly common in my younger days.  I gave up the hope for a brilliant career to become what I called a home engineer with 6 ongoing projects, each in different phases of development.  I never regretted my decision to have children instead of a career.  I have watched them grow, leave, and now each have families of their own.  Amazing families with wonderful in-laws that add richness to our family dynamics.  They have suffered from my illnesses but they have all become wonderful adults that my greatest pleasure is the opportunity to interact with them.  My greatest joys are my children.  They have blessed my life.  I think about them for any length of time and my heart is filled with joy.  I feel blessed when they can join me for Mother's day but I understand their lives are busy and share Mother's day with their own families and the in-laws.  I have chosen to believe that any day with my family of choice is my Mother's day.  I don't need to wait for May.  All year round I feel joy when I can visit with our kids and their families.  I feel deep gratitude for the events that led to my decision to become a mother. 

I see Mother's Day as a day to look at my relationship with my mother and mourn the loss of my relationship with her.  To then look at my relationships as a mother and feel deep gratitude.  It is always a day of extremes for me.