I thought about how before counseling, I had no Yesterdays. Yesterdays would slip away into darkness of not remembering. Today was on shifting sand that I may get from morning to evening knowing what was happening. Tomorrow may not come because as a switching multiple who was thinking about tomorrow may not get to be the one that was aware that day.
After counseling, Yesterdays piled up fast and furious. Some memories crashed down on top of me like a tsunami tossing me relentlessly under crushing fear. I whimpered, I shuddered, and wanted desperately sometimes to go back to no memories. Then in the rubble of my past, happy memories popped up that my mind hadn't been able to access, a beloved teacher, a caring friend, a golden moment of happiness. For years, I had no yesterday. I now cherish the ability to remember my past to learn from it like in Narcissistic Continuum, enjoy the happy moments like Stacy and as in mulderfan's poem accept that it is carved in stone. I can not change my past. It influences who I am today but does not hold me in a death grip any more. My past lost control of me when I integrated and I get to decide today how my past will influence me. I choose to learn from it and make better choices in the future. Now, I have tomorrows. Lots of them. And they are ALL mine. I love it. I was stressing last night that I hadn't finished my project I wanted to complete. I stopped worrying and decided that Monday morning would be a fine time to finish. With the added bonus, I will remember to do it. I have learned what it is like to worry about the future but again like mulderfan's poem I am accepting that it may not arrive. I now enjoy planning for tomorrow but good, bad, or indifferent it hasn't happened yet so there is no need to fret and agonize. It will come. One day at a time. You know what is really wonderful? I have today. Everyday that I wake up and know who I am is wonderful. I tackle my day with gusto or drift through quietly when there is a need for peace. My newest adventure is learning what I want to do with my day with out fearing something ominous from my past or worried about something terrible in my future. I have today. Sunshiny or rainy. Busy or peaceful. Crazy or calm. Helping others or helping myself. I get to choose what I do today. I just love saying that. I get today. Enjoy today.
mulderfan
http://muldrfan.blogspot.com/2011/05/yesterday-today-and-tomorrow.html
Yesterday, today and tomorrow
"There are two days in every week we should not worry about, two days that should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
One is yesterday, with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains.
Yesterday has passed, forever beyond our control. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed. Nor can we erase a single word we've said - yesterday is gone.
The other day we shouldn't worry about is tomorrow, with its possible adversities,
Its burdens, its large promise and poor performance.
Tomorrow is beyond our control.
Tomorrow's sun will rise either in splendour or behind a mask of clouds but it will rise. And until it does,we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.
This leaves only one day - today. Any person can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when we add the burdens of yesterday and tomorrow that we break down.
It is not the experience of today that drives people mad - it is the remorse of bitterness for something that happened yesterday, and the dread of what tomorrow may bring.
Let us, therefore, live one day at a time!"
Then over at The Narcissistic Continuum
http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2011/05/processing-grief-and-loss-after-while.html
Please do! Be sure to credit Veronica A. Shoffstall as the poem's author.
After a While
by Veronica A. Shoffstall
by Veronica A. Shoffstall
After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child
And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in midflight
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers
And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.
the subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child
And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in midflight
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers
And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.
Next I wandered over to This is Me, Damn it! and enjoyed sharing a quiet time of her introspection.
Remembering
http://thisismedamnit.blogspot.com/2011/05/wine-and-song.html
1 comment:
These are wonderful. Thanks for sharing them. And thanks to mulderfan, Narcissistic Continuum, and This Is Me, Damn It!
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