So, the holiday season is upon us. How do you make it through this time of year if your family is somewhat difficult or challenging at times? I think that it's a matter of managing your expectations & taking responsibility for your own self-care. In terms of expectations, you need to look at what you're hoping for, what you're worried about & what you believe when you're planning to spend holiday time with your family. You need to be realistic about your loved ones & see them for who they really are - that's how you'll maximize your chances of having a pleasant holiday season. By being realistic, you'll stop denying the truth about your family members; you'll stop engaging in magical thinking - thinking that they're different than they really are - & you'll stop trying to change them. When you're with your family, you'll have your eyes wide open, & even though some of your family members might disappoint you, annoy you, frustrate you or aggravate you, you'll accept the truth about them. Your stress levels will decrease if you trust that you'll take care of yourself when you're with them. When you take responsibility for self-care, you'll see that bothersome behaviors aren't about you, so you won't have to feel like a victim or get into arguments with anyone; you'll recognize when people are doing things that upset you & it's time to go into the other room for a while, or when people are behaving in an unacceptable manner & it's time to leave. One of the worst type of family dynamics is when one or two family members are behaving badly, & the rest of the family is doing nothing about it. Unfortunately, this is a far too common occurrence. If this happens in your family during the holidays, know that you are absolutely entitled to walk away, if that's what will help you to take care of yourself. If your family members - the same ones who are allowing the unacceptable behavior to continue - become angry at you for taking care of yourself, don't feel guilty. They have forced you to extricate yourself from the situation by their inaction & apathy. Never feel bad for taking care of yourself when family members are misbehaving & the rest of the gang is doing nothing to stop it. By having realistic expectations & by taking good care of yourself (without guilt) it's much more likely that your holiday season will be casualty-free.
A few years ago, I made a major change to my holiday traditions. I did not see my mother on Thanksgiving. That first year was a bucket load of guilt mixed with criticism and more peaceful than I had known for years. My new tradition of not visiting my mother on Thanksgiving was the first time I acknowledged to the world that my mother is toxic to me. Each year I feel a greater and greater level of peace and still don't see my mother on Thanksgiving. (She lives less than a mile away.) I no longer feel guilty about protecting myself from her razor sharp tongue. I am thankful for believing in myself enough to listen to my heart and keep my distance. I still see her other times of the year but Thanksgiving is some sort of toxic holiday trigger for her. In public with other people around, mother was all sweetness and smiles. Sometime during the day she would isolate me, look around to make sure we were alone, then verbally tear into me with some cutting remark or a flood of toxicity that left her feeling better and me wiped out. I now keep my mother at a distance on this day that seems to be so difficult for her. The kindest gift I gave to myself is to recognize that her behavior was not about me.
For these holidays, I decided to listen to my friend Being Elle. She wrote a beautiful letter to her heart talking about how she has neglected and not done those things that help her be happy. She spoke so kindly to herself. She was encouraging and kind and made a promise to be kinder to her heart. My gift to myself for the holidays is to be kinder to myself. Recognize when I am asking myself to do too much and gently scale back. I am not going to allow the frenzy of others to become a controlling factor for me. I will look at their behavior and recognize that their unreasonable expectations do not need to be fixed or met by me. I can have a relaxed and blessed holidays because that is what I am choosing to do. Great thought, if I can just hold it for the next 3 months.
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