Have you ever had the experience of being so upset by something happening in your life that you inadvertently shut down on an emotional level? You curl your feelings into a tight ball within you & you soldier on, hoping that you've pushed the pain away enough so that you can function? This all usually happens on an automatic, unconscious level, & it's a defense against overwhelming pain. The problem is, the defense doesn't work. In fact, it backfires. Instead of making you more able to function, being emotionally shut down makes you less so. When you're disconnected from your real emotions, you don't know what you need or what to do; you don't even really know who you are, so you're likely to encounter all sorts of problems when you're like this. One problem is that it can take a while to realize you've shut down. When you're emotionally closed off from yourself it's not easy to be self-aware. Once you realize, though, that you've disconnected from yourself, it makes sense to choose to open your heart again & tune in to your feelings. Knowing what you feel gives you crucial information & guides you toward what you really need. It also enables you to connect to others in a meaningful way.
One of the aspects of dissociation at an extreme level was my ability to completely unplug from all emotions. That meant no anger, no jealousy, no shame, no hurt, no fear, no happiness, no excitement, no joy, no emotion meant none of them. Reconnecting to my emotions completely was and is painful. I pondered on the negative emotions. Why were they there? What could I learn from them? Could I make them useful? I lived without them for chunks of my life but now that they are here what do I do with them?
I thought about these questions for a long time. I heard tell from many sources that negative emotions are bad and to take them out of my life. I did have them out of my life. KavinCoach encouraged me to feel my emotions, all of them. I needed a way to understand how and what I was feeling. I discovered that anger feels similar to excitement. Both have elevated breathing, blood pressure and other similar physical reactions. The source was the difference. One came from a place of hurt, fear or frustration the other came from enthusiasm, anticipation, and positive activities. I explored all my emotions. Trying to understand what I felt, when and most importantly why.
A person has physical pain, fever, head ache, runny noses, and other unpleasant symptoms when not feeling well. A fever left unchecked can cause as much or more illness than the disease that caused the fever. I realized that anger is like a fever to our soul. Anger left unchecked and untreated can cause as much or more damage then the original emotion or action that triggered the anger. I learned in counseling that anger was a quick and immediate indicator that some other uncomfortable emotion is wrecking havoc. Anger is easy to identify; underlying fear, hurt or frustration are more difficult to detect. Also a person reacting with anger when they are afraid gives the added adrenaline to flee the tiger...however in today's world there are very few tigers to run from. I worked several connections about negative emotions that help me recognize what is happening with me emotionally and spiritually.
When I am angry, this is the fastest recognized symptom that I have a problem. It signals that I need to check in with myself to see why I am uncomfortable. Fear signals either past or present danger. If it is a past danger that is remembered I can desensitize or talk myself through that feeling. If it is a clear and present danger, like a speeding car crossing into my lane, I need to protect myself from that danger. If I feel guilt I need to exam my behavior, have I hurt someone else either physically or emotionally? Do I need to apologize? If it is projected guilt from an abuser, I need to send that right back to who it belongs to...the abuser. I realized this week that when I feel shame, I do not accept myself. In a quest to become a better person, only focusing on my mistakes, I loose sight of the whole picture that is me. Shame is a signal that I need to work on accepting myself and my shortcomings. Frustration is an awkward emotion....getting angry is easier. Stepping back and paying attention to myself when I am frustrated usually involves humbling myself to recognize that I need to use a different approach or learn something to get through the problem I am struggling with. Feeling sorry for myself is a clear indicator that I am not feeling grateful for my life and the experiences both pleasant and unpleasant. Gratitude usually snaps me right out of feeling sorry for myself. Envy, I am focusing on what someone else has and not appreciating what I have. The more I learn about the negative emotions, the more I realize that negative emotions warn me of trouble ahead. If I ignore the early warnings, emotions will get worse...much worse. Emotions ignored do not improve with age. However, a good night sleep can do wonders.
3 comments:
The reading my AA group studied last night stated "there is no justification for anger". A man next to me was confused because the Big Book says, "We are not saints." No cross talk is allowed but later the man and I chatted privately.
I reminded him, these materials were prepared by ordinary folks back in the early 1930's. Anger IMO is the most useful emotion we have depending on how we act on it. If it's seen as an indicator that something is wrong and we are able to pause and reflect on what is causing it we can often use it in a positive way. I read elsewhere that anger is almost invariably an indicator that a boundary has been crossed. This works both ways, either someone has crossed mine or I have crossed theirs. Next step what am I going to do about it; calmly enforce my boundary or apologize. The third choice is a bit like sleeping on it; if in doubt do nothing, give it time and the answer will be clear.
In my case, when I take the time to examine my anger, if someone crossed my boundary, it's usually because I (stupidly) invited them over! Shields up!
Excellent point mulderfan. I do consider anger to be a red flag to get my attention and check my boundaries. Another book I am reading is giving yet another alternative action, non-violent communication. Still reading and studying the profound impact of that choice, it will be a post of its own.
I have been looking at anger recently because a lot of what I have been reading is contradictory to how I've been experiencing this emotion. I really like what you wrote and am want to follow up on this in a post. Thanks for the inspiration! xxTR
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