Effort

"Always make a total effort, even when the odds are against you."
- Arnold Palmer

Moving forward sometimes takes every ounce of energy. I am maxed out. Other times, I charge ahead for a while then slow down again. Last year, my daughter and I did a mud run with different obstacles including mud pits. The first one the mud was only ankle deep and fairly easy to move through. The next mud hole was knee deep and slowed us down to a lurching gait trying to step high enough to get our feet out of the mud to move forward. The third mud hole was thigh deep. Our total focus was to keep the mud from sucking our shoes off. It was difficult slogging through that pit. We were relieved to finally get through.  Sometimes when I am trying to move forward, I explain to someone else my difficulty and they chide me for not trying hard enough.  Like if I could just do this or that then everything would be great.  I realize that they don't see the mud I feel like I am slogging through.  I want to do better but I feel so bogged down.  Today I had a day off and tried to get several things done.  I accomplished some but I am at the end of the day looking at several things I left undone that have deadlines.  I push and push until my body rebels and I feel miserable.  I feel frustrated that I can't do all the things I feel I should be able to do.  For several weeks now my leg has hurt.  I realized today that it wasn't just one thing that I did but several different things and my leg took the brunt of it.  I noticed that I don't recognize the things that I do that harm myself.  I was taught to ignore the early warning signs.  I joke that pain is my friend because it clues me in that I am pushing my body too hard.  I try not to take pain killers, not to prove how tough I am, but to leave my body's warning system in place.  Mostly I finished what I need to do.  A few more chores then sleep.  I really need sleep.  Good night.