What's my focus?

Miserable people focus on what they hate about their life. Happy people focus on what they love about their life. — Unknown 

Here's the deal. I spent years in a forgotten coma not remembering my past. I hit counseling with not one clue about my childhood. I was fully aware that I hadn't remembered my childhood since high school. When anyone asked I told them, "I had a great childhood, I went to the park, I went to the Zoo, it was wonderful."  I focused only on the good parts, even those were a bit fuzzy.   KavinCoach was the first person to challenge this rosy image I held for the world to see.  It wasn't a lie.  I did go to the park and the zoo.  I had some great things happen in my childhood.  I just didn't remember any of them.  I didn't remember any of the bad stuff either.  I focused on happy things.  Unfortunately, no matter how hard I focused on happy....miserable kept seeping in through the cracks.  I only wanted to focus on the good stuff.  Have a ever mentioned that I grow some of the most magnificent culture in my refrigerator?  I hate eating left overs; I also hate throwing away left overs.  After incubating for many months some containers can become quite ferocious in their order.  If it is tucked behind the fresh fruits and gallons of milk, I don't see them.  I don't focus on them until I open the refrigerator and the stench smacks me in the face.  Then the hunt is on as what object got shoved to the back until it became an URO - unidentifiable rotting object.  No amount of focusing on the wonderful food in the rest of the refrigerator was going to cancel out the order emanating from the rotten container.  KavinCoach made me stop and look at the rotting memories.  No amount of just staring at the good stuff was going to make that go away.  I needed to clear out the rotten to make room for the good stuff.  There was a lot of built up crud... I focused on cleaning out the garbage for years.  I am tired of it.  I want to focus on the good stuff.  I have several books I want to read all on focusing on the good in me.  I want to do this.  But the reeking odors tell me I am not done with cleanup.  Everything I am learning about PTSD clean up is a long, ongoing process.  I can stop and appreciate the beauty that comes my way.  Unfortunately, the crud is lurking close by and doesn't want to give up center stage.  I work on readjusting my focus.  For now, I am thankful good things happen everyday.  I recognize them and I am thankful for them.

Sometimes I am here.