Denial does not destroy them

Emotions.....I learned I could choose happiness.  I couldn't wrap my mind around the possibility that I chose depression.  For many years, one of my personalities simply felt no emotions whatsoever.  Denying their existence did not destroy my emotions.  During my years of dissociation, those pesky unwanted emotions like anger, jealousy, fear, the whole lot of them were buried under years of practiced denial.  For all my effort, they were still there.  Boxed up and ignored some emotions fermented becoming more toxic year by year.  Others stayed untouched as powerful and strong as the day I boxed them up.  The internal pressure of denied emotions built.  Depressing all those emotions became increasingly difficult.  The more emotions I attempted to depress, the deeper my depression.  The decision to change was the first step.  I started with a marriage class at church.  I felt totally out of my depth.  I asked a friend for the name of a counselor, she gave me 3 names.  I pondered and prayed then chose one.   My journey took an unexpected twist, instead of solving my marriage problems, my counselor taught me to feel my emotions.  Not good, since the ugly, toxic emotions demanded attention first.  I spent years unpacking stuffed emotions.  When I stopped counseling I wasn't finished with all the unattended baggage.  I learned the process.  My thoughts never stop day or night.  My emotions don't stop either.  A techno colored collage ranging from the mildest discomfort to the raging in your face anger, emotions marched into my life.  I also discovered that mild humor to overwhelming joy also demanded my attention.  The process I learned was to recognize the emotion I was feeling.  This was very difficult at first, since anger masks fear, hurt or frustration.  Happy could be triggered by humor, satisfaction, or love.  Other emotions I never took the time to identify wanted their time on my heart's stage.  Sometimes I needed to spend a lot of time with an emotion to find its origin.  Sometimes, due to pressing schedule or demands of other things, I had to set my emotional exploration aside but I needed to keep my promise and return to study why I felt what I felt.  Over time, practice and effort I am getting better at processing what I feel.  I learned that I can choose some emotions.  I learned that some emotions simply show up on their own.  Some emotions are very uncomfortable, not only anger, but happiness can cause discomfort with unfamiliar feelings of happy when I don’t expect it.  I learned that emotions add a richness and depth to life that I was denied as a child.  I felt angry towards those that wanted me to extinguish all the wonderful colors of emotions.  Why would anyone steal emotions from a child?  I then realized I did that too.  I told my crying children I didn’t want to hear it.  Suck it up.  Shut down, because crying was inconvenient for me.  I feel sad that I didn’t know how to allow them their feelings without feelings taking over and running their lives.  I decided that emotions are like a counselor, great for input, validation and encouragement, but not helpful if they are running my life.  Emotions don’t rely on facts.  Emotions don’t take other people’s feelings of needs into consideration. Emotions are felt by me but have their own sources and logic that takes sitting with them to understand.  I learned that not every emotion needs to be kept on stage.  Sometimes simply feeling it, identifying it, I can let it go.  Other times, especially when rage kicks in, it is critical for me to take the time to truly understand why I feel what I feel.  If I ignore it, those powerful emotions will come back again and again until I do something about it.  To me, they are a blessing and a curse.  I am thankful that my counselors wisely taught me how to sit with and process my emotions.  Emotions color my world.