What Defines You?

Over at LifebeginsAt45 she shared this post http://lifebegins45.wordpress.com/2014/01/16/what-defines-you/
I watched the video twice. 

The question was first asked of me by KavinCoach, "What defines you?"  I worked for weeks on an answer.  He kept sending me back to the drawing board.  He knew that if I could stop allowing my abusers to define me as ding-a-ling, stupid, fat, weird, difficult and all the other things thrown at me, then I had the starting point of thriving.  The essence of thriving to me is to take the bricks life throws at you and build a gazebo.  I love being outside and building something for fun and enjoyment feels like my idea of thriving.  KavinCoach encouraged me that there was more than just a little fun.  He believed and tried to persuade me to believe that I was worth so much more.  I struggle with believing him.  I used to call his answering machine from time to time because I knew that imaginary friends did not have answering machines.  His encouragement seemed so odd and out of place after years of criticism, bullying, and malicious intent of harming me as much as possible, I wasn't sure he was real.  For some reason, in my mind, he was real since he had an answering machine.  I struggle with believing I could experience happiness on a regular basis.  I knew I felt it on occasion but a steady diet of happy just seemed so out of reach.  Joy seemed like a deadly hook that he was just trying to reel me in.  My life experienced distorted my thinking so much I didn't trust my counselor.  I didn't trust my husband.  I didn't trust my co-workers.  I didn't have friends.  I defined myself as a failure.  I defined myself as worthless.  I defined myself as fatally flawed.  KavinCoach knew that the task he was facing was to convince me to totally change how I thought about myself.  He told me after 6 months of counseling that if he had known in the first month how seriously damaged I was, he would have recommended that I work with someone else.  He knew what kind of upward battle I would be facing.  He described the task at hand that he would need me to totally rip out my foundation and start over with the most basic fundamental life lessons.  I am still working on believing him but I glimpsed joy, I felt happy, and I believe I am worth fighting for.

Taking root in rocky ground

Splitting yet surviving

Heavenly promises

Desert Delicacy

Small yet determined

Hinting at a brighter day