Friday, August 28, 2015

Mother May I.....

Ooops you forgot to say Mother May I.....go back to the beginning....

That game drove me crazy but it reminds me of my on going battle with my health problems.  This past week I came home and collapsed 5 out of 7 days.  It just sucks.  Sleep is less than 3 hours a night.  I don't give a sh** is creeping into my attitude.  I know this spiral downward well.  If you ever played shoots and ladders it is like getting near the top then landing on the BIG slide down to almost the bottom.  Heavy sigh.  Evaluate each thing in my life.  What am I doing differently?  What am I doing the same as when I hit rock bottom before?  Oh wow, I am feeling helpless, overwhelmed and trapped.  Source?  I believe it is the changes at my job.  I purposely chose a job that I considered low stress.  After doing computer tech work for 15 years almost anything is lower in stress.  I've been doing my job for 5 years now.  What is different now that wasn't there before?  I hate routine yet I need routine to function.  My routine was severely shook up.  The changes are interesting and doable but that nagging feeling of becoming a doormat instead of a respected person crept in.  Who controls that feeling?  Me.  What can I do to take back that sense of 'I know who I am'?  First, I job hunted.  Found another job suitable and rejected it.  Yup.  I really do want to stay where I am.  What do I need to do to be less stressed where I am?  This is what my counselor used to do with me every week.  A relentless discussion and questioning of where I am at, what seems to be affecting me, and what can I do about it.  Sadly, one of the most devastating long lasting affects of childhood abuse is feeling helpless.  When I fall down the rabbit hole of helplessness it is like I am a little child again terrorized by adults with no hope or solution.  I am an adult now.  Challenges are just challenges until I give them power over me.  I retain the power when I look for solutions that work for me.  Someone else offering well meaning advice is rarely helpful.  Someone letting me bounce ideas off of them without judgement and without trying to fix me works wonders.  Times like this I miss my counselor.  Times like this I am thankful that my counselor taught me the process....
1. Identify the emotion
2. Identify the source
3. Define the situation
4. Review what I already know
5. Come up with a plan of action
6. Test the plan of action
7. Give myself time for the change to work (too often I give up too easily)
8. Evaluate progress
9. Adjust the plan
I was blessed with a counselor that believed strongly that his job was to work himself out of a job.  I needed to learn to be independent and able to make self corrections that lead to healthy living.  I was very fortunate in the counselor God prepared for me.  Yes, I do believe that Heavenly Father encourages people to be each others answers to a prayer. 

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