- it sounds like a really difficult andpainful time you went through back then. Do you think it was right of Kavin coach not to give any sympathy after the event in group therapy? was it more helpful than if he'd acknowledged that the situation shouldnt have been set up that way by the leaders first? or do you think it was more helpful that he simply pointed out your reaction and got you thinking about the fact that you didn't see 'no' as an option? "I feel deep sympathy for any multiple personality, someone who has DID, tries to explain to someone else what is happening on the inside. " I think im struggling with this at the moment. I was so used to my old therapist understanding me better than i do myself and now im with someone who wants me to be informing her of things i dont even get myself! thanks for writing this post ruth. It gets me thinking that maybe the pain will pay off. good luck with your marriage work. you're brave to face it and not give up
Do you think it was right of Kavincoach not to give any sympathy after the event in group therapy?
Kavincoach explained from the very beginning of working with him that sympathy was what a friend gives and he was not my friend; he was my coach. When I was a kid, I cut my foot deeply while my parents weren't home. My brothers trying to be helpful smeared gooey first aid cream designed for minor cuts or burns. At the doctor's office, I didn't get sympathy, I got a good scrubbing to clean all the gunk out so my foot would heal properly. Kavincoach was like that medical doctor his job was to help me clear out the gunk in my emotional life. Sometimes he seemed totally unsympathetic. I reminded myself his job was to help me heal. I was blessed with an awesome sister that gave me sympathy.
was it more helpful than if he'd acknowledged that the situation shouldnt have been set up that way by the leaders first?
I don't know if it would have been more helpful. I actually respected the fact that Kavincoach did not share how he felt about the situation since it was one of his colleagues. I do remember feeling really pissed off when the group leader tried to blame Kavincoach for putting me in the group in the first place. I knew better than anyone else how completely I hid the truth of my past from him, myself and anybody else. Disassociation from my emotions made it very difficult for him to gauge how I reacted to anything. Kavincoach once threatened to stop working with me if I didn't allow myself to feel enough to discuss how I felt. He explained that a medical doctor healed the body; he helped me heal my emotions. If I didn't make my emotions available than I was wasting his time. It was a tough session.
or do you think it was more helpful that he simply pointed out your reaction and got you thinking about the fact that you didn't see 'no' as an option?
His very practical point of view of let's examine what your choices are and 'no' was an option helped me feel safe. I didn't get the feeling he was judging me, the situation, or my reaction. He just mapped out what my choices really were. This was a gigantic stretch for me because I hadn't considered the possibility of saying 'no'. The first week we discussed this situation I could barely take in the information that 'No' was an option. It was a huge turning point in how I felt about myself and other situations. I think I know a little how slaves must have felt the first day after being freed. The mind just can't grasp what that means.
Trying to explain to anyone what happened inside of me was difficult. (Most of the time, still is difficult.) I appreciated Kavincoach's matter of fact practical approach. I later learned that there were times that he would purposely push me to anger trying to get past the massive barriers I had around my emotions. Sometimes he pushed, sometimes he persuaded, either way reconnecting to my emotions and why I felt so much rage and the fear and hurt buried below that was more difficult than facing cancer. He once asked me a few years ago if I would rather be doing this or be one of the pioneers that crossed the United States too late in the season and suffered physical deprivation and starvation. I told him I could make it easier to understand. I would rather face cancer again than do what I did. Reconnecting to battered emotions is difficult and painful. The therapist are challenged with not only a person being terribly hurt but several persons that may not hear the same information and don't have the same history. That each perceived their version of their life as true and damn little support from any where. DID, multiple personality is not accepted by all therapist. How to treat each person with DID is as complex as the personalities involved. I needed to learn how to share with my therapist words and ways of telling him what kind of battle I was fighting on the inside. I was my own worse enemy and could sabotage myself knowing the weakest points. I feel the largest challenge any person seeing a therapist has is figuring out how to share what is happening and then being open to possible solutions. One of the sessions I remember him telling me to breath. My first reaction was fury that he would tell me such a thing. Then I realized, I was holding my breath. He actually had to coach me through several breaths until I was breathing on my own again. Sometimes the answer I needed was not the one I was expecting or wanting to hear. I quickly learned that I needed another point of view because mine was so warped.
2 comments:
Counselors I've had didn't usually give me sympathy or offer direct advice. They posed questions and made me find my own answers.
If a teacher gives a child a page of math questions with the answers written in, I can guarantee that child will never learn that 2+2=4!
Great analogy mulderfan, thanks.
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