I liked it....then I thought a lot more. Being a multiple for over 40 years then integrating, I went through massive changes. As a multiple, the very purpose was to blend into any environment and become invisible or invincible. Each person that I met only knew a sliver of me, like the five blind man trying to describe an elephant. No one knew all of me. I hid. I dodged. I changed to what ever I thought the other person expected me to be. When I started counseling, I didn't know I played out a charade of 'can I figure out what the other person wants me to be'? KavinCoach recognized the dodging and weaving and hiding of an expert in camouflage. He gave me a mirror and let me see for myself what I was. I still remember sitting in a little booth at a university library watching the movie Sybil. My assignment was to watch how the counselor interacted with Sybil. With in moments of starting the movie, I only had eyes for Sybil... part way through the movie I started to cry....I knew I was watching myself. The switches were not as obvious as Sybil's in the movie but that is partly theater visually showing what happens inside. Two hours of time rocked my world. Kind of like the time I was standing up on a swing and swinging very high. A little kid ran in front of me and knocked me to the ground. All the wind was knocked out of me. I couldn't breath. I couldn't think... My world spun wildly. KavinCoach patiently let me find out who I was...He then guided me through the complex maze of choosing to become healthy. Everything I read referred to absorbing or killing the other parts of myself. (Most common term used is alters. I never felt they were alternatives to myself. I felt all of them were myself.) I debated for a long time about integrating. There were no guarantees. High risk. No road map. No safety net. I grew to accept myself as a multiple. I liked each of me. We became friends, then allies. We started working together....then I was together an integrated whole person with one heart, one mind, and no pieces missing. I had no idea how to function. Part two of becoming healthy was set into motion. Thankfully KavinCoach had worked with other multiples and knew that what was coming. He let me set the pace. I have changed. I appreciated one of the comments on my blog telling me that they see me continue to change. If I meet someone from my past, I hope they will see that I have changed. I am the me, they never knew.
6 comments:
The chained elephant looks so sad!
When I think of my parents, I say to myself, "They don't know me because they have no interest in knowing me."
Yes, you've changed, Ruth, and lately the pace of change seems to be accelerating. Confidence can do that to you!
Hugs P/M
Thanks P/M.
Ruth, your 'Sybil' experience reminds me of my reaction to a book I read this month, a memoir written by a woman with DID, 'The Magic Daughter'. It was as if reading it was my guilty secret - there was this incredible charge to reading, and I zipped through that book in just a few days, even pacing myself. I had to ensure I didn't end up completely dissociated or in some bad state from reading this, so I limited what I'd read in one day. Even though I don't suffer from DID exactly, it is similar enough.
Anyway, just to say I relate to you.
Thank you Ellen. I will see if I can find the book. I am learning how not alone I am.
Your willingness is breath-taking, exquisite, transcendent. You inspire me. xo
Thanks upsi. That means a lot to me. :)
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