Risks

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach for another is to risk involvement.
To expose your ideas, your dreams,
before a crowd is to risk their loss.
... To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To believe is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken, because the
greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The people who risk nothing, do nothing,
have nothing, are nothing.
They may avoid suffering and sorrow,
but they cannot learn, feel, change,
grow, love, live.
Chained by their attitudes they are slaves;
they have forfeited their freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.
~ Janet Rand

Battered and discouraged swathed in depression so tired...How do you muster the strength to take risks?  Taking risks takes energy.  When your getup and go, gotup and went, moving forward into new adventures seems so overwhelming. 

This weekend I had an adventure.  I met my friend for lunch and we were in for a surprise when some sort of motorcycle convention blocked all entrances out of the area.  Normally when I am 'trapped', I totally freak.  This time I encouraged my friend to go with me to go shopping at the fabric store close by.  We couldn't drive so we walked to where all the motorcycles were leaving.  I am talking thousands of them.  Cops were there stopping people from crossing.  We stood at the corner then asked the cop if we could cross during a break.  He said no.  I was so proud of myself.  I didn't panic and I didn't retreat.  We stood there waiting.  Finally, the motorcycle riders stopped all three lanes of motorcycles and let us cross.  We enjoyed walking to the store and shopping around.  I was so amazed that I didn't let the local authority dissuade me from doing what was really a reasonable request.  I wanted to cross the street.  

One of the hardest things about depression is the feeling of being overwhelmed.  The big event of the day may be getting out of bed.  Getting dressed is an extra bonus on a really good day.  The advice of 'Just do it' is like really....Don't you think I would have done it already if that were an option.  I have learned several things.  Companion survival is helpful.  Weird as this may seem helping someone else over come their fear helps me to get past my fear.  Another is that if a day is a total wipe out...Tomorrow is another day.  Beating myself up over a lost day only makes me feel worse.  Making lists and plans for me were a disaster.  Reason was simple...at the end of the day I looked at all the stuff I planned to do and didn't get done.  I looked at my half finished list as a complete fail.  So I looked around for a different way that fit my style of thinking.  For me it came about as Side-track Home Executive...SHE. Using 3x5 cards that I could put back in the box let me feel successful.  This wasn't about working a system but instead finding something that worked for me.  The biggest risk I took was going to counseling.  It was scary and many times hard.  It paid off.  I am happier and more involved with living than I ever believed possible.  Take a risk.  Babysteps still move you forward.  Congratulate yourself.  I learned that I am my best cheering squad.