Counseling misconceptions

  The important thing is not to stop questioning.

Albert Einstein

I was told by several medical doctors that my medical problems were all in my head.  I argued, "If it is all in my head, why does my body hurt so much?"  They never took the time to answer that question and there were no TV commercials by drug companies proclaiming the symptoms.  I tried everything else except counseling.  I spent hours at the local library on healthnet.  It was this very cool thing that linked all the medical hospital libraries together and there were several work stations at the library for nursing students to use.  In the summer time, the stations stood empty.  I took a summer when the older kids were home to help with the younger kids so that I could get an hour or two at the library.  I would print off a bunch of articles, bring them home, get out the medical dictionary and start reading.  I amassed an impressive list of things I did not have.  I finally figured out two things, it was stress related and had to do with why I couldn't sleep.  Separately, after the kids started moving out I wanted to improve my communication skills with my husband.  I felt like we lived in two separate worlds in the same house.  Tried a marriage class first.  This was the first clue that something was really missing in my life.  They held an entire evening discussion on boundaries and protecting them.  My husband participated.  I felt like the whole bunch of them were speaking a foreign language.  I tried everything else so I asked the teacher of the marriage class if she knew any names of marriage counselors.  She gave me three names.  I prayed about the decision because I knew that who I worked with could make or break the experience.  My husband agreed to go with whoever I chose.  KavinCoach was on the list.  Let me see if I can remember all the different misconceptions I had:
1. Counseling would be done in a few weeks.  I set aside that summer to do the project.
2. The counselor was going to fix the problem much like a doctor can set a broken leg.
3. I felt my past had nothing to do with what was happening now.  After all it was in the past, no effect.
4. I thought my husband was the problem...If he were just more understanding.
5. I could listen and learn from watching the counselor and my husband talked to see how things worked.
6. ...I am sure I am forgetting any number of other things I didn't know about how counseling functioned.

I think back to the first 6 months of counseling and chuckle wryly at how my REALITY CHECK bounced big time.  KavinCoach disillusioned me in no time at all.  By the end of summer, the original finish date, I realized we had barely scratched the surface.  By Christmas, there was a shift from marriage counseling to me counseling.  It was humbling to realize that the severity of my PTSD left the possibility of working on my marriage to some distant date.  KavinCoach focused on me.  Well crumbs.  This was not what I planned at all.  Since, I all ready knew how to look things up from studying all those medical articles, I figured this time I knew what the problem was that looking things up would be much easier.  Again, I was wrong.  PTSD, Multiple personality disorder, DID, dissociation are cloaked in as much mystery and controversy than almost any other branch of psychology.  I started asking questions.  I checked out 10 books from the university library then read every book assigned.  I watched movies assigned.  I puzzled over every aspect of what I was trying to learn.  Finally, KavinCoach limited me to only one hour a day devoted to studying he was attempting to keep me balanced and not be consumed by my own questions.  Can you imagine for just a moment....walk into a strangers office and find out that everything you ever believed about yourself was all a fairy tale.  That you had several other lives happening at the same time and what you didn't remember was effecting your every decision?  I felt like I stepped into an episode of the Twilight Zone...I kept hoping that Allen Funt would step through the door and shout, "You are on Candid Camera."  (Wow, those references really give away my age.  If you are still doing the math, 54.)  I didn't stop questioning.  I am still working on this living thing.  I am still trying to harness these wily emotions that can totally throw me for a loop.  I am still in counseling.  My misconceptions lay in tatters around my feet.  I am learning to be me and that is a good thing.   

How I would feel after a counseling session.