Saturday, September 6, 2014
Disturbing to open my email and read an article about what is happening in my life right now.
I've followed Karen for quite sometime. I usually just read without commenting. Tonight she pieced together my why.
Why am I looking for a new counselor? I need someone outside of my immediate life that I am willing to articulate and use my words about certain subjects. DH is awesome but I don't want to unload all my garbage on him. He doesn't deserve it. My sister is great, we go walking once a week for sister therapy. She listens to my babblings. We walk and talk every week. My kids are wonderful. I am blessed with several living close by. The teacher at work is great at allowing me to express my concerns at school...so why would I need a counselor? I carry a dark burden that I don't want to articulate those thoughts to anyone close to me. I allowed those dark thoughts to stay behind a wall with a big "Do not disturb" sign. This summer they got disturbed. I am realizing that wall of separation was just an illusion. I appreciate Karen sharing her experience of turning hurt into humor. She coined the name "enterpaining." Make pain a joke, Dark Humor Inc. One of my teachers found my tendency to laugh and joke about life's pains disturbing. He objected. I told him at the time, "I can laugh or cry over this situation, I prefer to laugh." Thanks to Karen, I recognize now that laughter is a form of denial. Emotional put down to myself that I don't have the right to feel what I feel. Karen shared her words to her 4 year old, "Use your words." In counseling, I use my words. Talking to a counselor I get feed back and many times excellent suggestions as to what I can do differently. I am looking for a counselor that I can use my words.