Thursday, September 4, 2014
Memories are like some people...
They are part of your past.
Memories haunt and torment. I am terrified of my own. KavinCoach would remind me, "If you lived through it, you can remember it." I struggle with feelings that are difficult to separate from the memories. Much like it is difficult to separate some emotions from people in my life. I don't know how to explain how tangled a relationship can become with an abuser. Stockholm affect and battered wife syndrome attempt to describe what is observed in some survivors. Victims relying on and protecting their abuser. Lying becomes a way of living and difficult to separate reality from the complex entanglement. At some point, for things to change, the victim has to change. The abuser has no reason to. They are the ones that appear to have the power. They persuaded the victim to give their power away. Easy to do to a child or a person that doesn't believe they have any power in the first place. I locked away my memories. Lots and lots of them. I saw no point of remembering things I could not change. They are not part of my future. But my memories don't want to be left in the dark. Nagging like a tooth ache. My relationship with my past memories is as complex as my relationship with my abusers. The pedophile is dead. What happened with him, haunts me. For 5 years I kept it locked away. I don't get why now my memories stepped up a campaign to be acknowledge. I feel a lot of confusion because the one I am trying to walk way from is myself.