My last entry on forgiveness generated a lot of comments. I appreciate all the information shared and thoughts added. One of the books I planned to review when I was done was Forgiveness Is A Choice by Robert D. Enright, Phd*. I am not finished with the book yet but I am going to share a bit of a review to share another perspective. This book is a text book for a college course. Since it is at a university, one of the requirements was to take religion out of the definition. This was new to me right off. Forgiveness had always been combined with religion in my growing up years. Also he gave a name to the weird type of forgiveness that I should forgive my abusers when they were still abusing me. Enright's term is "pseudo-forgiveness." He reinforced KavinCoach's belief that forgiveness does not mean I continue to let the other person hurt me. It does not mean that I should trust somebody that is not to be trusted. The book goes on to present forgiveness in a very different light than how I was taught growing up. I do believe that part of my moving forward is to stop abuse, learn healthy ways to protect myself, and distance is one of those healthy choices. I am exploring this concept because I want to feel peace when I think about my childhood. I don't want memories to ruin my day. When I meet someone that hurt me in the past, I want to be able to greet them if it is safe, but to cross to the other side of the road, if it isn't. One of the conversations that startled KavinCoach was the day that I talked about working on forgiving the pedophile in my past. KavinCoach asked why I wanted to do this. My answer, "If I can forgive him, then perhaps I can be forgiven." I have made plenty of mistakes in my past. Some of my actions have hurt those close to me. I want very much to be forgiven of my short comings. I also want to be able to look at the person that hurt me and be able to say, "What you did, does not define me. Who I am, is not defined by you. I am an amazing person that you missed out getting to know." I don't feel that way yet, but I have learned that even the loftiest of dreams can come true when it is me that I am changing.
* http://www.forgiveness-institute.org/html/featured_books.htm
7 comments:
Very beautiful and deeply moving post. Thank you for taking the time to post it tonight, right before I head to bed. Might help me sleep sounder.
"...what you did, does not define me." So true...so uplifting and kind of peaceful to me.
YOU *are* an amazing person for reaching out to all of us and giving of yourself so generously. A special thanks for the funny and cute things you post...I'm trying hard to think sunnier thoughts:)
I often wonder what the difference is between forgiveness and simply "letting go" of the hurt and leaving it in the past where it belongs. This is what I'm striving for with my Nparents but when they repeat the hurtful behaviour it's hard. So, I've been finding that having a sort of "casual acquaintance" relationship with them makes my NM, especially, unlikely to make such comments. Howard Halpern, in his book Cutting Loose gives a sample conversation we can have when we check in with them now and then. Working like a charm so far!
Your welcome Jasmine. I like to remind myself that there is plenty of good things out there besides the not so fun garbage I am still working on resolving in my life.
mulderfan, that is an excellent question. I think I am using the word forgiveness to define what it means to "let go" of the hurt. Redefining forgiveness has been a major step. Looks like I have another book to look up. Cutting loose sounds like an interesting book.
I love the term "pseudo-forgiveness" - that is so accurate for the kind of forgiveness expected by people who have not truly earned it.
I find the pressure to forgive and forget everywhere I look, and it seems to work in the interests of the abusers.
Thanks for sharing, looking forward to more as you continue reading.
xox
upsi
I understand having a person demanding that I forgive and forget. I guess I was lucky when I had a church leader advise me when I was 12 to forget the pain but remember the lesson so I don't repeat the experience. I didn't understand then but I am doing better now. I still get frustrated with the forgive/forget request with no change from the person hurting me. This is probably why I have gone to such great lengths to study forgiveness.
The baffling thing I'm realizing as I read this blog and the comments is that the victims are the ones being told what to do. In my own case, my NM and BPB touch me inappropriately and say horrible things to me, and yet I am the one told to forgive and forget. What about tell them to treat me with respect? Forgiveness loses all Godliness when it is used as a whip.
I think several people commenting have noticed this same twisted behavior. I think that is why the term "pseudo-forgiveness" is appreciated. Someone is identifying this negative twist to the word forgiveness. Thanks Laurel for pointing this out.
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