Conquer ourselves

It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves.  Edmund Hillary

My Quotes widget sends me a wide variety of quotes and some make me think.  Others I wonder who on Earth would say a thing like that. Again it made me think.  This week I have done a lot of thinking about controlling and conquering myself.  My session in counseling centered on my most difficult subject ~ emotions.  My questions are many and sometimes I feel like I missed a life time since I learned at a young age in the most brutal way that it is possible to suppress emotion until you can no longer feel any.  Dissociation is the ability to disconnect from your emotions.  At a severe level, I felt almost nonhuman since all human experience is based in emotion.  I once said that dissociation is like sitting outside of the candy store in the winter time seeing the people inside warm and happy and sharing, but you are not allowed in.  You want to be but you seem to be locked out.  I was working on an art project and the professor told me to go with how I feel.  I had worked with the man for many years and trusted him enough that I candidly told him I had no idea what he meant.  He spent 3 hours trying to get me to understand then realized I really didn't get it.  He commented to me how nice it must be to not feel pain of hurt feelings.  I agreed then replied I also cannot feel Joy.  He was startled.  I knew he had 2 daughters and I asked him how he would feel if his daughter was getting married and he was very happy for her but could not tell her with feeling.  He could say the words but no emotion would accompany his words. Or any one can tell you that an apology without feeling is no apology at all.  My new counselor is starting to work with me on explaining how we feel and what the feelings mean and how they can be changed.  I have heard the words before but I have only really been able to fully feel things for 2 years since I integrated.  The first complete feeling I experienced and identified was boredom.  In all my 50+ years I had never felt boredom.  It is an awful feeling.  I understand much better why people will go to such great lengths not to feel bored.  Being a creative sort I quickly mastered what to do when I feel bored.  I don't feel it often but I can if I want to.  Other emotions are much more difficult since emotions can body slam you with too much at once.  Or fluctuate and change with a rapidness of thought.  Conquer myself is the final goal.  Understanding and using my emotions a massive challenge on the way to that goal.