Transactions

If love does not know how to give and take without restrictions, it is not love, but a transaction that never fails to lay stress on a plus and a minus.  Emma Goldman

Valentines day bring out all the mush movies about love.  I changed the station to the most violent movie I could find.  I thought a lot about love lately especially a mother's love.  I wrote the two sides I have seen and like the song, "Still some how it's loves illusion" that I see.  I have worked a long time to become a person I can admire and be proud to say, "This is me."  Dave Pelzer said it best in one of his books when he was asked if he wished that he had a different childhood.  "I like the man I am today and I would not be that man without the experiences that I had."  In a very twisted way I am a little jealous of Dave, here's why.  His mother was an alcoholic and she physically abuse him.  People look at the situation and Dave gets instant sympathy.  People understand immediately because after all he had an abusive, alcoholic mother.  People tell me how lucky I am to have such a wonderful mother.  I cringe every time.  My mother is not an alcoholic and she never hit me in a way that anybody could see.  The worse abuse was to my emotions and my sense of self.  There are no scars, no marks, no proof that any damage occurred.  What I have heard the most is "You are over sensitive.  If you would just..." You can fill in the rest with any number of suggestions I could do to become the perfect daughter.  I tried them all and still the resentment from my mother existed because my crime was I was born a girl which in my mother's mind made me an instant enemy - competition.  I want what every other little child wants a mother to love her.  To me, component of that love is respect.  I do believe the quote where there is no respect there can be no love.  The quote above in-bodies my mother's treatment of me.  If I do x, y, z for her then she will consider doing a, b, c for me.  Always I feel that we are negotiating a deal.  Unfortunately, I don't want to play anymore.  I am tired of looking for ways to please my mother to  keep her love glowing towards me.  Because I know suddenly from out of the blue she will lash out with words so vicious that my head reals at the lashing.  She will only do this in private so I am careful not to be alone with her if I can avoid it.  I have no visible scars, I have no evidence, I just have the pain in my heart to tell me that I didn't deserve her treatment.  I appreciate the kind support from readers and some of my family members.  Other bloggers that are leading the way out of the FOG make such a difference.  Thank you and may each of you find the kind of love that warms your heart.