Forgiveness
Forgiveness is not accepting the person back into your life...Forgiveness is giving up hope that the past could have been different......
A friend posted this as her status on Facebook. It is a different perspective that I want to think about for awhile and explore it a little.
I have worked for years on forgiveness. I read scriptures, articles, even found a book on the subject. I have a few theories of my own. I created a notebook with all the bits and pieces. I included the distortions about forgiveness that I learned as a child. I was taught that I had to forgive...But the other person didn't need to stop hurting me. This type of distortion taught me I was bad if I didn't tolerate and forgive my abusers while they continued to hurt me. Somewhere along the way I figured this was all wrong. Whenever I want to find out about something, I learn what other people say about it. I think one of my favorites is a quote that I found so long ago I don't remember the source.
"Not forgiving is like eating rat poison and hoping the other person will die."
I also learned that forgiveness in my mind has nothing to do with the other person. It is a gift I give to myself.
One of the things I believe is forgiveness means the other person actions no longer have the power to hurt me. I need to get myself to a safe place then I can forgive.
The opening quote is looking at forgiveness in another light. I think this quote really struck me this week since I am currently going through the process of accepting that a person that is important to me will never be able to be what I hope for. At the age of 9 I was given the instruction to take care of my mom and keep her happy. This week I let go of that responsibility which was never mine in the first place. I am working at forgiving my parents for placing such a heavy burden on me. The first step was to stop carrying the burden. I am now grieving for a relationship that never happened and probably never will. It is hard when your parents die. It is even harder when they are still living but can't be a parent to you.
13 comments:
I now feel that my forgiving is not just another obligation/responsibility I must fulfill for my Nparents. Forgiveness should be earned with genuine remorse and a change in the hurtful behaviour and in their case that will never happen.
It's painful to come to the realization that the fantasy relationship we have held onto for so long is just that...a fantasy. This allows us to move past the 1st stage of grief, which is denial. If you look at the stages of grief they fit our situation quite well. Being patient with oneself and giving ourselves time to experience each stage is also a good fit.
Time to let go of the belief that our parents will suddenly change if we do or say just the right thing.
I too have moved past the feeling of being responsible for my parents. "Society" makes that hard but those who judge me haven't walked in my shoes.
Thank you mulderfan. Your comments always add so much to what I have written.
Beutifully written. Wonderful comment Mulderfan. I have nothing to add except that I agree.
Thank you.
Alice Miller says it is not forgiveness that makes us healthy and strong, rather it is the resolution of guilt feelings that have been imposed on us. Forgiveness, she says, is an "additional demand, a demand that could only serve to cement those feelings of guilt. A quasi-religious act of forgiveness can never resolve patterns of self-destruction" (can be found on her website).
Further, "preaching forgiveness reveals the pedagogic nature of some therapies...It was my experience that it was precisely the opposite of forgiveness - namely, rebellion against mistreatment suffered, the recognition and condemnation of my parents' misleading opinions and actions, and the articulation of my own needs - that ultimately freed me from the past."
Thanks for this post, very timely for me and good food for thought.
xoxox
upsi
The more I learn, the more I believe that forgiveness, like the word love, has become one of those words that has so many facets to it and abused by some that meanings are contradictory. I agree that rebellion against mistreatment is a vital part of progress. Like you said upsi food for thought.
great post ruth, as always! The rat poison quote is a favorite of mine and really does make sense. You can also replace forgiveness line in it with "holding on to anger". I have always felt that not forgiving can be like holding on to the anger - either way the damage you do is to yourself. That said, I don't believe that everyone who harms us can be forgiven. Depends on the circumstances. Tho I don't know if my attitude about that is healthy ...hmmm something for me to ponder on.
Thanks, UPSI, for your comment. Alice Miller to the rescue...she nailed it!
Ruth: I agree with you. The word "forgiveness" has been stretched every which way. It now has about as much meaning as the word "nice". Funny, I've had a strong dislike for both words for decades.
Thinking back, I repeatedly mentally forgave my NF for mistreating me and my brothers growing up...it never *took*...I was baffled by this huge dilemma. Now, of course, I get why it didn't work. My NF never apologized in the first place and to this day pretends it's all my fault AND he's a walking crime in progress.
In my experience, the folks most inclined to bandy around and butcher the word "forgiveness" are the very same ones engaged in the most despicable behavior!
I'm so much happier, mentally stronger and eager to see what the future holds for me, since I gnawed off the old parental ball and chain:)
I accept responsibility for myself, and determined that I needed to decide on my own definition of forgiveness: Forgiveness means letting go of my desire for revenge.
~Judy
Stacey, I like your "holding on to anger" synonym. I think that is more the direction I am heading. Thanks for the comments and your insight.
Ruth
Jasmine, I agree with you that those that are doing some of the worse offenses are the ones expecting the type of "forgiveness" that they believe gives them a get out of jail free card. My belief that forgiveness does not stop consequences and does not mean trust. I think that is why I liked the first quote that forgiveness is NOT accepting the person back into your life. I am still thinking about this.
A friend shared with me:
Wow! Really great blog today! Heavy duty - you and your followers' comments left me with lots to think about and chew on! Forgiveness really has so many different facets. When you look at it from only one perspective, as most of us usually do, we miss out on so much. Too bad it's so hard to gain an eternal perspective! It's kind of like the old story about the blind men and the elephant... Anyway, thanks!
I love that quote and just shared it on upsi's blog yesterday! :)
For me, I don't buy into the idea that we even need to forgive anyone, as long as we can address our issues around their behavior and move on ourselves. I agree 100% with Alice Miller.
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