Tuesday, May 17, 2011


 I read other blogs to learn more about this world we live in.  I tried so many self-help books that failed miserably.  It never occurred to me that the world I lived in didn't quite match their expectations of how to live.  I needed to connect with people that understand a twisted world ruled by a narcissistic.  A world with gaslighting, lies, manipulation, twisted thinking, enmeshment and a whole different vocabulary than the ones I found in self-help books.  Add to my world, emotional splitting, multiple personality, emotional and physical blackouts, a place that some 'experts' deny existing.  The edge of insanity and beyond just isn't quite reached by your average self-help book.  

Upsi is intelligent, curious, determined, authentic and believes in sharing what she learns.  Today's post is from her inspiration.  http://upsi-upsi.blogspot.com/2011/05/best-you-can.html
I read her post at lunch time and thought about it all day long.  I also read the original article that is linked to upsi's page.  Then I turned to the dictionary because I didn't want to think I am saying one thing but actually something else is meant.  I look up commonly used words, a lot.  Gaslighting left me very unsure of myself but now I am recognizing other ways to verify what I believe plus I am learning to believe in myself. 

 The article is centered around the question of "Can't or Won't?"  This is a huge question.  I have been on both sides now.  As a multiple, I ran into 'I can't' often.   Living a fragmented life leaves little room for decision when another personality takes over and you are suddenly in black out.  Choice is gone in a heart beat.  Now, I get to choose.  I don't always do my best.  Sometimes good enough is good enough.  I used to wear myself out trying to perform perfectly.  It was killing me emotionally and physically.  I need to make choices.  The way to make choices is to decide which choice is best for me at the time.  There is a need for discernment.  I need to make a judgment call.  

Free Dictionary
 dis·cern·ment  (d-sûrnmnt, -zûrn-)
1. The act or process of exhibiting keen insight and good judgment.
2. Keenness of insight and judgment.

dis·cern  (d-sûrn, -zûrn)
v. dis·cerned, dis·cern·ing, dis·cerns
1. To perceive with the eyes or intellect; detect.
2. To recognize or comprehend mentally.
3. To perceive or recognize as being different or distinct; distinguish. See Synonyms at see1.
To perceive differences.
Then there are those pious souls that say, "Thou shalt not judge."  By the way, this is not one of the 10 commandments.    The original source is:
1  Judge not, that ye be not judged.
2  For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. Mk. 4.24
King James version posted at http://www.bartleby.com/108/40/7.html 
In my opinion it says that how I judge others will come back to haunt me.  But it is real too.  How many times was I punished by the silent treatment.  Now they are surprised when I am displeased by their behavior I retreat into silence.  I do what I was taught. 
There is a lot more to write than just one post.  This really has me thinking.  Thanks upsi. :)


mulderfan said...

So much more meaningful to read real stories about people dealing with an unreal world! If nothing else it's nice to know we're not crazy and we're certainly not alone!

Shaun said...

I concur, Ruth. I've bookmarked the website linked in Upsi's post and have back to it several times. A real thinker.

Ruth said...

mulderfan, you are right. I am not alone. Shocked me at first, felt relief, then felt terribly sad that so many are dealing with twisted thinking. I appreciate the many, like you, that share your story and inspire me to keep being my authentic self.

Ruth said...

Thanks Shaun. I appreciate your encouragement.