Diagnosis

When I have a problem, I want to know what it is.  I am looking for a diagnosis.  Medical problems I go to my physician and tests are ordered, blood tests, MRIs, scans, and a variety of other tests.  When I had a problem with my marriage I went to a marriage counselor.  Imagine my shock when the diagnosis was I was the problem.  How could an iddy biddy problem with my memory constitute such a major problem?  OK a major problem with my memory.  I still remember the conversation with my counselor. 
KavinCoach - "Tell me about your childhood..."
Me - "It was great I went to the park and I went to the zoo.  Our family did things together.  It was a great childhood."
KavinCoach - "Tell me an average day."
Me - "It was great we went to the park and to the zoo...."
KavinCoach sitting back - "You went to the park and the zoo everyday?"
Me - "no"
KavinCoach - "You have no idea about your childhood."
Me reluctantly - "I haven't known since high school."
This began an odyssey into the workings of my mind and what was wrong with me.  I brought the problem with me to my marriage.  I remember asking my parents when I was 15 what was wrong with me.  They assured me that I was typical teenager and just fine.  Well I talked to other teenagers and my life just did not match up with what they thought and did.  I knew something was wrong with me but was told I was imaging the problem.  Thirty years later I got validation...something major is wrong with me.  I took months of reading books and sharing my reaction.  I read the experiences of other people since my mind couldn't access my own memories.  Some of the books I read are listed on the resource page.  My reaction, or lack of, told KavinCoach more about my childhood than I knew.  Finally he had me watch the movie Sybil about 5 months after starting counseling.  Half way through the movie I started to cry.  (I didn't cry much before counseling.  That is for another post.)  I recognized a fellow sufferer.  I knew that I did what she did.  I knew in that moment that I was a multiple personality.  I was in shock.  The next session with KavinCoach I shared my belief that I was a multiple.  He used the fancy phrase, "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with dissociation at a severe level."  The name in the '70s was Multiple Personality Disorder.  In the '90s it was changed to Dissociative Identity Disorder.  Now another name change still meant there was more than one of me.  I had no idea how many to begin with.  My mind was reeling as I took in the information.  Multiple personalities.  Good grief.  I felt so weird.  I knew something was wrong I didn't expect it to be so big.  What changed with the diagnosis?  Two things... what memories I had finally made sense in a very weird way.  I was assured by KavinCoach there was a solution, integration.  He had already talked to me about thriving more the once.  He assured me that to really thrive integration was one of the things I would need to do.  I sometimes wonder if I would have been so enthusiastic at the beginning to solve my problem if I had fully understood what it would involve.  I do not regret integrating.  I think Heavenly Father is very wise in letting us find out some things with out knowing the end from the beginning.  My diagnosis didn't change who I was.  It only gave a name to my challenge.  Integration did not solve all my problems.  It gave me access to more ways to function besides switching personalities.  Switching is like spades, it trumps every other survival skill.  Eight years ago I received a diagnosis that changed the direction of my life.  I am thankful for that diagnosis.  Thanks KavinCoach.