Monday, July 25, 2011

Triggers

One of the greatest discoveries a man makes, one of his great surprises, is to find he can do what he was afraid he couldn't do.
Henry Ford

Triggers were one of the clues that I didn't function quite like everyone else before counseling.  I remember working in one of the computer labs and a student came up behind me and grabbed my wrist.  He thought he was being funny.  I froze.  The fury flashed through me.   I held very still so I wouldn't lash out and really hurt him.  I recognized that my reaction was much greater than the incident warranted.  For additional reading on Triggers try this Wikipedia article http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trauma_trigger

Saturday I faced one of my worse triggers.  To celebrate our son-in-law's Master's degree we gathered at a restaurant that served us wonderful food.  However, they flambe the appetizer.  The flame dancing across the plate was enjoyable by many.  Unfortunately, it is a MASSIVE trigger for me.   I turned my head a way and mentally held on.  I realized I didn't throw up, I didn't pass out.  I thought, I made it through once.  Then as more people came out, more appetizers came with flames dancing merrily on each one.  I won't say I enjoyed the experience.  But the last time I was in a restaurant that used flambe I had to leave the restaurant and find a restroom where I threw up.  This time, I would see it, look away, and hung on.  I was able to stay and enjoy the party.  I did what I feared I could not.  To some it may not seem like much since it was a normal bit of fun with food.  For me it was a huge step to not only face a trigger but not allow it to destroy my time with my family.   

7 comments:

mulderfan said...

You are one tough cookie, Ruth! Every time you overcome a challenge you get stronger. Well done!

Hugs again, M/P

Ruth said...

Thanks M/P, It does feel good now to think about what I did. Thanks for your encouragement.

Laurel Hawkes said...

Good for you! That is HUGE progress!

Ruth said...

Thanks Laurel.

Anonymous said...

Ruth, If you can confront this trigger/fear, you're well on your way. Hugs for your courage, great respect for your willingness to confront such a difficult aspect of your PTSD, awe at your fearlessness-that's right, overt fearlessness. Sometimes we "have to act as if...." And you did.
One amazing lady you are, even if you don't yet see it
:)

Anonymous said...

Ruth, that sounds like a big one but you got through it. :)

I'm wondering, how has your therapist dealt with your "triggers?" As a victim of battery, I remember a boyfriend and I having an argument. Nothing too escalated but for some reason I got scared. Jumped out of the car, drove home and hid in the dark. This person had never been abusive and to be honest, I do not think on any level I thought he would be. To this day, I don't know what triggered me but I do know that I suffer from PTSD.

I have dealt with most of my "physical triggers" but am reeling from the "psychological ones" now. I am not a typical depressed person. However, I can go from moderately happy, albeit stressed, to seeing or hearing something, and just breaking down in tears. Unfortunately, sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by the negative feelings that I don't want to live. Of course I don't mean it but at the time, my discomfort is SEVERE.

Ruth said...

Thanks Anon. This one felt good.

Hi Cheshire, I have a section in my book at the bottom of the page that addresses overcoming triggers. I have worked on several. The hardest ones still aren't connected to a memory so I am not sure what I am fighting. This one I wrote about in my book. I have discussed with my counselor what I could do. A combination of talking, visualizing, and multiple exposures in a safe environment got me through. I still feel wrung out afterwards. One of the biggest keys is I react first then I do what computer geeks call reverse engineering. I take the negative results and start working backwards until I find the trigger. I have spent 8 years in counseling for a big reasons. PTSD is extremely difficult when there are multiple reasons and people involved. Takes a lot of detective work and that perseverence that I write about. :)