Even a mistake may turn out to be the one thing necessary to a worthwhile achievement.
Henry Ford
Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that u've decided to look beyond the imperfections.
"YOU MADE ME SO MAD" echos in my child mind. I could make my mother mad, I could make her happy, so in my child's mind I could make her love me if I was good enough. The intense search for perfection of children of narcissistic parents sometimes puzzles people with no experience with narcissistic behavior. At a young age, I was given this power to control my parent. Yet, it wasn't true. As I grew older I recognized that many times my NM (narcissistic mother) was already angry with my father who conveniently disappeared and left me as an easy target for her wrath. I worked hard at being a perfect child. No rebellion as a teenager. High grades. Helping at home. Caring for my younger brother and sister. Anticipating her needs. Taking blame for things I did not do. Anything and everything to become the perfect child so she would love me. At the time, I didn't have a word for what I did, KavinCoach taught me about being 'enmeshed' and how unhealthy this behavior is for me. He also taught me that no matter what I did my NM could not show me the love I needed no matter what I did. He also taught me that I could not make her mad, sad, happy or anything else. I was simply a tool she used to fulfill her needs. What I became was a perfect mess. Not understanding boundaries, how to be independent, or what was my emotional stuff and what was her projected stuff on me. Enmesh - projection - boundaries - narcissism became words to study research and learn new ways of living. First major change - I AM NOT PERFECT AND I CAN NOT MAKE YOU MAD. I can really irritate you, but getting mad is your choice. Friends on Facebook posted some of these awesome quotes. I appreciated their timeliness as I tackle the concept that perfection does not get someone else to love me, especially not a narcissistic.
4 comments:
No wonder you and I are "soul mates"! I think you pretty much summed up my childhood.
Perfection is hard to let go of, but, it feels great to live with a bit of dust and a few weeds in the garden. Once I gave MYSELF permission to be less than perfect I actually began to pity the perfect people. It's such a burden to try and maintain impossible standards!
More hugs!
mulderfan you are so right maintaing impossible standards is a burden. One that I finally put down. I love dandelions. They are such bold weeds that pop up in the middle of a well groomed yard. I think they symbolize my quest for less than perfection. :)
Thanks, I really needed this, this morning, as I overheard NM telling a friend on the phone that ungrateful children have unreasonable expectations of their parents, who are imperfect people and did the best they knew how. I was proud of myself for not exploding. I sent myself to my room. :-)
Good choice Laurel. :) Funny thing is that I think you are one of the most grateful people I know. Yet she can't/won't see it.
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