Saturday, July 30, 2011

Perfection

Even a mistake may turn out to be the one thing necessary to a worthwhile achievement.
Henry Ford

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Success is the ability to move from one failure to the next failure ~ with enthusiasm ~ W. Churchill

Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that u've decided to look beyond the imperfections.

"YOU MADE ME SO MAD" echos in my child mind.  I could make my mother mad, I could make her happy, so in my child's mind I could make her love me if I was good enough.  The intense search for perfection of children of narcissistic parents sometimes puzzles people with no experience with narcissistic behavior.  At a young age, I was given this power to control my parent.  Yet, it wasn't true.  As I grew older I recognized that many times my NM (narcissistic mother) was already angry with my father who conveniently disappeared and left me as an easy target for her wrath.  I worked hard at being a perfect child.  No rebellion as a teenager.  High grades.  Helping at home.  Caring for my younger brother and sister.  Anticipating her needs.  Taking blame for things I did not do.  Anything and everything to become the perfect child so she would love me.  At the time, I didn't have a word for what I did, KavinCoach taught me about being 'enmeshed' and how unhealthy this behavior is for me.  He also taught me that no matter what I did my NM could not show me the love I needed no matter what I did.  He also taught me that I could not make her mad, sad, happy or anything else.  I was simply a tool she used to fulfill her needs.  What I became was a perfect mess.  Not understanding boundaries, how to be independent, or what was my emotional stuff and what was her projected stuff on me.  Enmesh - projection - boundaries - narcissism became words to study research and learn new ways of living.  First major change - I AM NOT PERFECT AND I CAN NOT MAKE YOU MAD.  I can really irritate you, but getting mad is your choice.  Friends on Facebook posted some of these awesome quotes.  I appreciated their timeliness as I tackle the concept that perfection does not get someone else to love me, especially not a narcissistic. 

4 comments:

mulderfan said...

No wonder you and I are "soul mates"! I think you pretty much summed up my childhood.

Perfection is hard to let go of, but, it feels great to live with a bit of dust and a few weeds in the garden. Once I gave MYSELF permission to be less than perfect I actually began to pity the perfect people. It's such a burden to try and maintain impossible standards!

More hugs!

Ruth said...

mulderfan you are so right maintaing impossible standards is a burden. One that I finally put down. I love dandelions. They are such bold weeds that pop up in the middle of a well groomed yard. I think they symbolize my quest for less than perfection. :)

Laurel Hawkes said...

Thanks, I really needed this, this morning, as I overheard NM telling a friend on the phone that ungrateful children have unreasonable expectations of their parents, who are imperfect people and did the best they knew how. I was proud of myself for not exploding. I sent myself to my room. :-)

Ruth said...

Good choice Laurel. :) Funny thing is that I think you are one of the most grateful people I know. Yet she can't/won't see it.