Thursday, July 28, 2011
Example
Sometimes an example can help clarify a concept. Before I started counseling, and one of the reasons I sought counseling, I had an extreme reaction to a small incident. When I first started at the University computer labs, someone was being a smarty and grabbed my wrist from behind me to get my attention. I remember freezing, holding very still, because my reaction was that I wanted to tear whoever grabbed me into teeny tiny pieces. I knew at a conscious level that this was not a reasonable reaction to the incident. The person was out of line but did not deserve having his head ripped off. Once I started counseling, I related the incident. At that time I still didn't know much about my back ground. No memories makes it hard to figure out cause and effect. So, I observed my own behavior. I started working backwards from I was furious that the person grabbed me from behind. But I realized that was only part of the problem. Other people had come up from behind and tapped me on the shoulder and startled me but didn't have the extreme reaction as the person that grabbed my wrist. I then watched my reaction when some one went to grab my hand, missed, and grabbed my wrist instead. I realized the action of grabbing my wrist set off the extreme reaction. I explained all of this to KavinCounselor. He helped me walk through each step of the evaluation until we both agreed that there was something about grabbing my wrist that set off a spectacular rage that had nothing to do with the situation at hand. At this point, I hadn't remembered anything from my early life that would connect with why I reacted so strongly. KavinCounselor explained that I didn't need to know why I had the reaction, I just needed to know what action triggered the massive reaction. I then set out to desensitise myself by wearing bracelets. The first day the bracelet lasted less than five minutes before throwing it across the room. The next day I tried again. I made it past 5 minutes. Every day I put the bracelet on for a longer and longer period of time until I could actually wear a bracelet. I then discovered when one of my kids was teasing me that grabbing my ankle had the same reaction. Anklets come in a wide variety of interesting styles and I wore one of those too. After about a year I had an incident where some grabbed my wrist again. I felt annoyed because it was an invasion of my space but I didn't have a desire to beat the poor soul to a pulp. In fact, I was quite excited that I almost completely extinguished this one fear trigger. I appreciate this technique KavinCoach taught me of identifying the cause of the distress so then I could find a solution to reducing my reaction.
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5 comments:
:/. makes me think, when you're a little kid, people grab you by the wrists when they have no interest in your cooperation. grabbing by the wrist i think is a really common and symbolic gesture of forcing, denying, yanking someone away from something they wanted or yanking someone to something they don't want. very sad, really. hands are meant to be grabbed, not wrists. unless of course, i'm about to yank you out of the way of a moving bus. that is kind of odd that a university student grabbed your wrist. out of line, i'd be pissed too.
Lisa, interesting insight as to why it bothers me so much. Thanks for commenting.
I know why I hate having my wrist grabbed: Dragged across a parking lot, screaming and crying that I didn't want to go to the hospital, but NM was bigger and stronger. I had no power. NM used holding the wrist to control, and was not adverse to causing pain, and laying the pain at my door. If I hadn't tried to pull/twist free, it wouldn't have hurt, except that she had a really strong grip, and part of the reason I wanted to escape was the pain. Wrists and ankles are incredibly sensitive. Think about it. It's skin and bone, lots of nerves, no padding. ~Judy
Yes, there is something about the wrist. Clearly you were controlled by the wrist too.
I (luckily) come from one of the families where physical control was subtle, so it's possible for parents to deny that there was physical punishment even if that wasn't precisely true. An angry mother drags her child by the wrist away from the scene of a real or imagined offense by the child.
About 10 years ago, when I was an adult approaching middle age, my mother, wanting to hang on to my attention for something she was saying, took hold of my wrist as I walked by where she was sitting. I said, "Please let go of me," and she did. It's the last time she tried physical control, but she made very clear for a few moments that she still believed she had a right to it. In moments when I wonder if the controlling environment of our household was all in my own mind, that moment of attempted physical control in adulthood is a helpful reality check.
- GKA
That is a tough memory Judy. I am sorry this happened to you. I agree the wrist are very sensitive. Not much pressue causes pain and rarely bruising.
GKA thanks for sharing your experience. I noticed that from time to time my NM grabs my arm to keep my attention. I learn from my readers. Thanks, Ruth
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