Accepting my past

Denial is a survival tool that bound me to my past.  As long as I denied how bad it was, I couldn't escape it. My past sucked away my energy keeping up the wall of denial.  It interfered with living in now.  I believe one of the requirements to move from victim to survivor to thriving is facing the past and accepting that horrible things are part of my history.  Many, many sessions of counseling I spent tearing down denial's walls that hemmed me in.  My mind still conceals most of my memories; I am not sad they are missing. However, I no longer deny their existence.  Seeking a truth campaign does not mean sugar coating what was...some truths are harder to accept than others.  I experienced things that I still won't talk about but I no longer deny their affect on me.  Overtime, I came to view denial as lying to myself.  Looking at that black past and saying it was white to me was another lie I lived with.  Talking about being hurt then saying it wasn't that bad, after all, everyone gets hurt sometime.  I remember KavinCoaches frustration in trying to get me to accept what I was really up against in overcoming my past.  He acknowledged that he had a childhood that inspired him to go into counseling.  He accepted that his childhood was less than wonderful.  He pointed out the problems he had were like Pluto and mine were like Saturn.  I am also aware that others have problems like the Sun.  I don't have the worst problems around but they are not just like everyone else, either.  Sadly, my children and DH were also affected by me denying my past.  I appreciate their support as I finally faced my past and put it where it belonged, in my past.  There is nothing easy about accepting a painfully abusive past.  Counseling tears away the blinders of denial.  It is a tough choice that some people give up and prefer to live in the stifling comfort of denial.