Sometimes
it's hard in a relationship to know how much to be accommodating &
how much to be assertive; how much to be easy-going & how much to
set a limit. There's no perfect way of being, but there is a way to be
most true to yourself: work on paying attention to whether the child
within is in charge of your behavior or if it's the empowered adult part
of you. When the child within gets triggered by something your partner
has said or done, he tends to over-react b/c he isn't really responding
to today's partner but rather, to someone from the past who hurt or
disappointed him. This will cause you to feel more upset with a
particular behavior than you would be if the adult part of you were in
the forefront. Resist the urge to act on the child's feelings & see
if you can address these internally. (These triggers are a great
opportunity to do some inner work.) When you deal with the child's
reaction internally, this makes room for the adult part of the psyche to
come to the forefront & then it will be your best, most conscious
& empowered self who is responding to whatever your partner did.
From this POV, your response will be mature, appropriate & most
likely to move the relationship forward to a better place.
Before counseling, this statement from Ruthless Compassion would have made no sense to me. I did not know that I had power of any kind. Early on in my counseling, KavinCoach asked me why I gave my power away. I felt confused. What power? I didn't have any power to give away in the first place. I felt upset that he expected me to understand something that I didn't even know what he meant. This is one of the hardest things about childhood abuse. An abused child gives up their personal power before they know they have it. Many, many counseling discussions centered around my feeling that I did not have any power over any thing. KavinCoach excelled in finding illustrations that worked for me. He started talking about the power I had over the computers I repaired. I talked about my approach to fixing computers was, "Computer - cooperate or I will wipe your hard drive!" I just can't do that with people. People cannot be reformatted. So I didn't understand how I could have power. I considered myself a spineless worm that made a very good doormat. I even squelched my anger about being a doormat and accepted it as my station in life. I even worked at being a better doormat than any other doormat. KavinCoach knew his biggest challenge was for me to comprehend my inborn power that every person has. People give up their power to please others, out of fear, addictions, negative habits, and for many other reasons. I believe this is an ongoing battle between good and evil. Good teaching people that they are powerful Children of God. Evil telling people that they are powerless and useless without control over themselves or their destiny. No matter the country, the era, government or any other personal challenges the basic day to day living is about leaning what power we have and how to use it to create the lives we dream of. I gave my power away so completely that I stopped dreaming. KavinCoach asked me what I wanted and I reacted as if he told me that I was going to have to put a rattlesnake in my pocket. He kept trying to see that I had the power to reach my dreams...I am working on developing my power to dream and believe it is possible to achieve those dreams.
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| With the night, we dream. |
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| Marching out into the world. |
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| A place to dream. |
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