I saved this link almost a year ago. It sat ignored in my draft files. I didn't look at it. A thought at the back of my mind. It exerted no great power over me but now almost a year later I am taking on my toughest trigger, Fighting. I worked at being able to watch TV shows with fighting. I do fine with that. I walk out of the room if any one is watching professional fighting. Boxing is almost tolerable. I hate fighting. It is also a massive trigger. Now, I am taking a Karate class. Two lessons and I am already realizing I am in deep trouble. I considered while I crawled along in heavy traffic the possibility of cutting my losses and quitting now. Second lesson, they had a demonstration before class. I chose to miss most of it. As I walked up to the building I could see through the windows the students were sparring. I felt the familiar nausea rising up my throat. I turned around and headed back to my car. About a dozen steps away I stopped....if I run away now, when will I stop running? I am resolving to do what I hate. I am giving myself 3 months to see where I am in December. Will I still approach each lesson with my stomach rolling with nausea before I even get inside the building? One of the buildings has no windows, will this be an advantage or just spike my imagination to let it go a little wild? My body is rebelling. I am experiencing bruising and pain that don't seem to have any connection to what I am doing. If I rub the spot that is hurting, there is no feeling of pain. Phantom pains that aren't relieved from resting and don't seem to actually be there but there none the less. A memory so distant I can't pin it down but some where at a subconscious level my mind is remembering old hurts. Interesting thing is in a very short time I feel that I trust the teacher, sensei. I don't fear him. I was surprised by the students, a wide range of ages and a family. I watch their respect for each other. I don't feel threatened. The feeling of threat comes from within myself. I believe our greatest battles are fought within our own minds. The battle is raging in my mind. Can I take back the advantage and teach myself to trust myself?
4 comments:
Yes! You're doing it. It isn't pretty. It's messy. Who cares about that but those who taught us messy was unacceptable? I don't know about you, but I was certainly never allowed to make mud pies. So, I say DO IT MESSY!
You're a brave woman, Ruth. This sounds like it could be a good way to take back your control in fights, to engage in conflicts (when you have to) on your terms.
Please keep us posted! However it goes, I'm sure you'll learn something good!
Maybe you should switch to a more self-defense sort of martial arts. You can get your toes wet with the idea of taking care of yourself rather than "fighting." If that works, then maybe graduate to karate.
Judy, you are right. Messy it is. Patient teacher helps. He gives me a break when emotions start to overwhelm.
Thanks Cassandra for your encouragement. I am learning so much already about myself. I am also learning some good moves.
I agree with you vicariousrising. I took some 1-on-1 self defense class first. I wanted to make sure I wouldn't have a complete melt down in that situation. Surprisingly, the greatest difficulty I have is actually making contact when I punch or kick. I pull the punch too soon. My sensei gave me permission to do that, this simple courtesy made it possible for me to move forward.
I passed my first technique tonight. Woohoo.
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