“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.”

― Abraham Lincoln

Since when, did it become so bad to recognize our own strengths? Since when, did acknowledging good about yourself make you horribly prideful and needing correcting? Since when, did it become evil to toot your own horn but if you don't you may be laid off for not pulling your weight? Sadly some people point to scriptures to justify this warped thinking.

Proverbs 16:18

King James Version (KJV)

¹⁸Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.

One of my kids had a teacher that I had a parent teacher conference with him. My teenager's complaint that he expected difficult assignments without explaining how to meet his unreasonably high expectations. When I met with him, I rapidly realized that the teacher had a hidden agenda... he wanted to bring the smart kids down a peg or two and prove they were not as smart as they thought they were. He wanted them to fail to prove something about himself. I took my kids out of the honors program rather than subjecting them to this poisonous thinking that being smart was bad.

I went to marriage counseling to fix my marriage. The shock rolled through me when I found out that fixing my marriage wasn't possible until after I fixed me. I saw myself as doing OK. I figured Proverbs was just being accurate when I found out my past was not as great as I thought it was. I spent a lot of time focused on what was wrong with me. However, in the process for the first time someone told me repeatedly what I was doing some things right. I didn't believe KavinCoach. He would tell me something I did well during the week but I discounted what he said figuring he was just saying it because there was some 'little black book of counseling' that he was supposed to say something nice. Fortunately, KavinCoach was also familiar with the Bible and not afraid to use it to bless my life. He pointed it out that the most humble person in the Bible, Christ, was not afraid to say he was the Son of God. Christ pointed out his goodness to his apostles on more than one occasion. So people that use scriptures to twist this into saying good about yourself is taboo must also acknowledge that Christ was bad. (Really fun to mess with some Bible thumpers to point this out.) One of the essential things that KavinCoach taught me was fundamentally I am a good person. I do many things right. I care deeply for the people around me. I am a blessing in the lives of my DH and children. I needed to stop allowing my abusers to define me. Theit definition of me was warped and distorted by their own problems and not a true picture of me. Abusers excel at blaming the victim. To heal fully, I needed to see my strengths, acknowledge them and embrace them. How could I do those things if I didn't even know what they are?

About a year ago MyCounselor gave me the book Authentic Happiness. I approached it with the same caution that I did a stick of dynamite. I knew that it had potential of shaking up my thinking. I read it slowly and I am still not completely finished. I am far enough into the book now to realize that what he is saying about the 'New Positive Psychology' is healthy. He agrees with KavinCoach and MyCounselor that a vital part of healthy living is recognizing and using my strengths.

The first part of the book was a bit puzzling since I felt it was a bit of a 'duh' moment. He spent several chapters explaining that Happiness is an Inside job. Reading the chapters I realized he was laying the foundation of what he would write later. It is also counter to what I was taught. I was taught that I could "make someone else happy" by behaving in a certain way. I could make my mother happy by doing my chores. I could make my abuser happy by complying to his demands. I, at the tender age of 5 had control over someone else's happiness. The first chapters of this book thoroughly debunked this type of thinking that sets people up for failure. Because, nobody can make someone else happy. Everyone has heard someone tell them to make them happy. I can't, not possible, not in a million years. So the way he wrote the first chapters was to make it abundantly clear that we have 100% control over our own happiness. I am good with that.

The next chapters are the ones that I am very interested in. He and a group of other psychologist decided to get together and using all different religions and philosophies discovered a basic set of values:
Wisdom and Knowledge
Courage
Love and humanity
Justice
Temperance
Spirituality and transcendence

I added Integrity with Justice in my own mind because I saw plenty of Justice without integrity and I found that Justice requires integrity to be healthy. The thing that is awesome about these...they are all learned. We do not come by these magically like talents we are born with. In contrasting talents with strengths, he points out that "Valor, originality, fairness, and kindness, in contrast, can be built on even frail foundations, and I believe that with enough practice, persistence, good teaching, and dedication, they can take root and flourish." Strengths are available to ANYONE. We all have some strengths and you can go to his web page and take one of the tests to see where you are at right now. The other cool thing about strengths is that they are dynamic....meaning I can change them by my choices and behaviors. How cool is that?

http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/Default.aspx

The specific test to try for measuring strengths is:
VIA Survey of Character Strengths
Measures 24 Character Strengths

A log in is required but it is free. Fairly painless and part of their field testing. I just want you to be aware that they do want to gather information. I took the test this week. It takes about 30 minutes and gave me some information that totally did not surprise me. However, there was other information about my strengths that I hadn't viewed as strengths. My "Signature strength" is curiosity. However, growing up I was told things like 'curiosity killed the cat.' I did learn the counter to this statement, 'satisfaction brought it back.' I hope you enjoy exploring the web page and perhaps you may want to checkout the book from the library. The book isn't perfect and I have a couple of others that I am exploring. One of the things I like about the book it works from a scientific perspective which is one that I easily embrace. May not read well for everyone. As I explore other books on playing to your strengths, I will share what I learn. Becoming healthy isn't just about correcting and letting go of the bad stuff in our life; is is also about embracing the awesome that we all have.