Thoughts about people pleasing

People pleasing is puts others above self.  Defining myself by how others view me.


In drafts, I write notes to myself about ideas I want to explore more carefully.  One of the challenges I worked at over coming was 'people pleasing.'  Two thoughts I wrote are above.  I talked to both my counselors about this subject because I struggle with how do I satisfy my enjoyment in pleasing others without falling into the dark pit of 'people pleasing'?

I found this in the Urban dictionary as 2 possible definitions of people pleasing:

1.	people pleaser	60 up, 5 down
	A People Pleaser is a person who believes that they are less then most others on the planet and have the need to hide these beliefs from all whom they come in contact with. They feel so low that they typically behave like a doormat and frequently put themselves in situations where they are treated as such. A people please will do almost anything to keep others in the dark about what is going on within. Dishonesty, deception and lies are the primary tools used by a People Pleaser. Within the context of an intimate relationship, a People Pleaser will frequently paint illusions that depict what they believe their partner wants to see all the while never disclosing who and what they really are. People Pleaser's also have the tendency to frustrate their partner to no end with this insidious behavior. A People Pleaser's goal is always the same which is to keep anyone from knowing just how crappy they feel about themselves and they will strive for this goal at any cost. A person afflicted with this "disease to please" will typically tell more lies over the course of a lifetime than those with other mental illnesses. People Pleaser's can come in the form of men but are typically women as they are more emotionally based. When a People Pleaser dies, the see the life of someone else flash before their eyes. by dHagar May 22, 2013
2.	people pleaser	80 up, 70 down
	A relatively new word in the psychology world, it's not in the DSM-IV-TR (a book that a couselor would use for a diagnosis). People pleasers are doormats who let high expectations, resentment, and saying yes when they mean no run their lives. They are set on being perfect and nice. It affects mostly women because they are socialized to do for other people instead of for themselves. This has also been linked to codependence. Woman 1: "Let's ask Kate to do the bake sale. She never says no." Woman 2:"She's such a people pleaser."

I do enjoy pleasing someone else but as these definitions points out that a 'people pleaser' is all about hiding themselves. I discovered with the 5/50 rule that pleasing someone else doesn't need to cost me a lot. (In the 5/50 rule a service must take less than 5 minutes and cost less than 50 cents.)  When I am not worried about hiding from the world and focus on what the other person truly needs, I enjoy myself more and better meet their needs.  I am learning that the key to know if I am 'people pleasing' is that nasty feeling of resentment.  If I am doing something and feel resentful doing it, I am probably doing it for all the wrong reasons.  The other down side of 'people pleasing' is I start defining my value by what I can do for someone else.  I remember an extremely frustrating conversation with KavinCoach.  He asked who I was.  I listed things that I did.  He kept asking me and my list got longer.  He clarified that he didn't know what I did, he wanted to know who I was.  He was trying to teach me that my value was not based in what I did, but who I am as a person.  I still like doing things for other people but the success of the project does not hold my emotional world it its hands.  If I fail to please someone, it is not the end of the world.  This is awesome progress.