Monday, November 3, 2014

Why are you so mean?

Today I faced this question head on.  What I learned over the years to survive insanity of the adults around me growing up as a child was to shut off all emotions.  The results when I talk to those that rely on emotion in daily exchanges, I come across as being mean.  Not my intent.  I describe the behavior as "Task oriented."  Unfortunately, that sometimes translates to, "I don't give a shit about your precious feelings, get to work."  By the way, not effective for building relationships.  Great for getting the job done but not too great about the whole relationship thing.  I offered the opportunity for the students to ask questions.  One student asked, "Are you going to change?"  Yes, it is why I am in counseling because I am working on changing.  Am I changing for the students?  That is a different question.  I am changing because I accept where I am and I had a glimpse of where I would like to be.  I experienced gentle strength first hand.  It is awesome to be around people that are strong enough to not need to bully or put down others.  I want to be that kind of strength.  I accept that this will be a challenge for me.  I have felt emotions as a complete person for about 8 years now.  Learning vocabulary and phrases that invite and encourage others does not come 'naturally.'  Back me into a corner emotionally and I do have the 'mean' vocabulary down pat.  I didn't tell the students that what I said was toned down from what I was thinking.  Interesting but the afternoon class does not have an issue with me.  I am now curios if I trigger the AM class or they trigger me?  Choosing kinder language will be this years challenge.  I think I need to reread the book on Nonviolent communication. 

Forward March....Hut - 2 - 3 - 4.

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