Types of bullies

 This article is excellent at describing the different types of bullies.

http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2012/12/20/identify-types-and-tactics-of-bullies/

But I focus on 5 types of bullies and their tactics:

1. Overt bullies.
2. Covert bullies.
3. Cyberbullies.
4. “Professional Victims.”
5. Self-bullies.

One of the things I struggle with is how to recognize them. Are they making a legitimate request or are they bullying me into doing what they want done?Am I being over sensitive?  How can I know what it feels like?

Overt bullies are the easiest to figure out since they are usually unpleasant to enough other people that I can get validation that this person is a bully.  I can usually identify them quickly on a play ground, at work, or even on the freeway.  They want their own way not matter what and I feel less when I am around them.  I feel uncomfortable when they make fun of someone else.  To the best of my ability I avoid this variety.  Harder to do when they are at work.  I did learn with my nasty boss how to document every encounter.  Even if we just exchanged words in the hallway, I documented every thing.  Came in handy when the bosses boss finally started asking questions.  He is no longer a boss at the company.  My job is to recognize that I need to protect myself from an overt bully. 

Covert bullies can be very tough to pin down; especially if they single me out in private.  In public everything can be sweetness and niceness but in private is a whole different story.   This is when I have to listen for myself for key phrases, like "you should" or "you have to" or other red-flag phrases that clue me in on covert bullying behavior.  This is where emotions are very valuable.  I feel afraid or annoyed if I have to be alone with the person.  I feel used.  I feel like what's wrong with this relationship.  Hard thing about this type of bully I may not get validation from someone else that knows them.  If they are not a target, they may not understand what is happening.  Covert bullies excel at actions that are deniable...I misunderstood, I didn't hear the whole thing, I am too sensitive, or plain old fashion 'gas lighting.' (Explanation of gas lighting http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/emotional-psychological-abuse/gaslighting-definition-techniques-and-being-gaslighted/) Clues to myself that I encountered a covert bully other people see a very different person.  I don't want to be alone with them.  I find reasons to avoid their company.  I feel squashed or belittled.  My emotions are usually my first clue that all is not right when I encounter a covert bully. 

Cyberbullies, I call them trolls, at a mild level can be annoying.   However, a cyberbully intent on doing harm will call in the internet troops and start a rash of harassment.  They use mob mentally to target one person.  They persuade others that someone deserves some form of punishment for their behavior.  I first encountered a cyberbully the first year I took care of computers over 15 years ago.  They tracked the student to the school I worked at, fortunately for me, the child was not in my computer lab.  He wrote threatening emails and generally harassed a little 6th grade girl clear across the country.  When confronted he shrugged his shoulders and said it was just the computer.  Yes, the authorities did track him down and no there wasn't much they could do to him since he was a minor and no laws were in place at the time to do much about what he had done.  I hope the parents figured out a suitable punishment...like no computer time for a year or two....wishful thinking on my part.  I usually try to give most people the benefit of the doubt at first.  Written language translated from another language may come off sounding different than expected.  Sometimes people in a hurry write things and don't realize how it might sound to someone else.  If I get more than one nasty email or comment I then recognize the cyberbully for what they are, not welcomed.

I loved that he included "Professional Victims" in his list of bullies.  I encounter way too often.  I especially noticed in the computer labs.  The 'helpless' soul that flails their hands and swear they don't know what to do.  Doesn't matter that you already gave them the same set of instructions 10 times.  Their helplessness is how the manipulate to do their work for them.  I don't mind a person that needs help but I have to be careful to watch for these time sucking, playing dumb, manipulators that are just trying to get me to do what they are capable of doing.  I realize this is a hot button for me so when a person asks for help I need to be careful not to overreact or misjudge a person that genuinely needs help.  I learned that if I feel really good after helping someone, they are usually the real deal.  However, if I feel like I was taken advantage of, hoodwinked, or manipulated I probably was.  I also noticed that "Professional Victims" either gush their thanks over the tiniest thing or don't thank me at all.  "Professional Victims" become more obvious over time since they use the same tactics over and over to get there way.

The last category was bewildering for me to understand.  KavinCoach told me to fire the nasty boss that expected me to be 20 minutes early and stay 15 minutes late for work, never let me forget the smallest mistake, chastised me more than any abuser...of course that bully was me.  I was really mean to myself.  I took the actions of my abusers and internalized their behavior into vicious tapes that I played to myself.  Of all the bullies this one is most difficult.  I learned that things like self-acceptance, self-confidence, and self-love go along way to curing this bully forever.  Of all the bullies, I have the most control over the outcome.  I am learning to be kinder to myself, more understanding and more accepting of the challenges I have and how I react to them. 

Over all, I thought this was a great article to review and see where I stood on protecting myself.  There is one more category that I want to address that is the occasional bully.  This person is in a hurry, misunderstood something about the situation, or just having an off day.  What I learned about the occasional bully is when I bring the situation to their attention there is usually an apology or an explanation that makes sense and easily is worked out.  But if I say nothing, then being treated poorly more frequently can happen.  This is when I understood that how I am treated is directly related to how I allow myself to be treated.  I am learning more everyday.  It is empowering to calmly tell a bully, "You can not treat me like that." 

Bullies are personal terrorists.