You don't need an expert?

"Success is not the key to happiness.
Happiness is the key to success.
If you love what you are doing,
you will be successful."
- Albert Schweitzer

Click Here For Success Tip # 014


Reading a book is like a conversation with someone who won't listen to you. I am reading the book Authentic Happiness by Martin E.P. Seligman, Ph.D.  Yesterday, I read the line, "Enhancing the Pleasures: At the outset, I must say that you don't need an expert to advise you about the pleasures in your own life."  If I could have spoken to the author, I would probably sarcastically come back with, "Speak for yourself buck-o."  I still remember the day KavinCoach asked me what I enjoyed.  I looked at him blankly.  He watched me totally shut down on him.  What gave me pleasure was not in the area that I could say yea or nay.  He assigned me to watch the movie Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts for that weeks homework.  There is one scene in the movie where she is asked what kind of eggs does she like.  It shows her saying the same type of egg of whatever fiance she is engaged to at the time.  Adult children of narcissistic parents sometimes struggle with the concept that they can enjoy something separate from what their parent dictates.  After watching that movie, several of my counseling sessions (read that as many) revolved around what do I like, what gives me pleasure, how do I feel, and all the things that this author and many other people take for granted.  I can now answer that question:

I like my eggs sunny side up.
I enjoy walking early in the morning with my sister on Saturdays.
I like NCIS.
I like taking pictures.
I like smelling roses perferably with my eyes closed.
I like eating a little chocolate.
I like Zumba.
I like bread sticks.
I like visiting with my kids.
I like....

I can now go on and on and on about the things I like.  I needed to stop and think and check in with myself.  People without narcissistic parents wonder how I could possibly not know what I like.  It was easy, this is how it happened:

"Mommy, I love this."
"Don't call me mommy that is my mother's name, how can you love this there is this and this and this wrong with it?" 

This denial of what I expressed as pleasurable was just the beginning.    Then came the manipulations using the things that I find pleasurable.  If I enjoyed a food, it became a reward or a punishment by withholding access to it.  Anything I liked, gave me pleasure, or expressed enjoyment became a way to get me to do things that were hurtful.  The week after KavinCoach asked me what brought me joy, I brought back to the next session an Almond Joy bar with a huge fish hook sticking up through the letter 'o' in joy.  KavinCoach had his work cut out for him to teach that it was safe to feel and say what I like. I believe one of the greatest gifts KavinCoach shared with me, feeling pleasure without fear.

Got your Back